Who am I?

This is a question I've been asking myself for a while now.  Who am I?  I have no idea who this person who stares back at me in a mirror is.  I know a few things about myself, a few things I don't want to change right now.

I know that I am that mother that lets her almost 3 year old decide when it's bedtime.  We use to have a very strict rule, bedtime was set, that was it, no questions asked.  Now, I cling to the moments I get to hear her talk to me, I get to hear her tell me she's "Princess Ariel" as she dresses up in pretty little dresses.

I'm also that mother that enjoys the bedtime snuggles.  I will cherish them until I'm no longer wanted next to her, or she's "too old for that mom".  I don't care what you think of me,  my almost 3 year old sleeps in my bed.  I love to fall asleep listening to her breathing, scared to death that I won't hear it again tomorrow. 

I'm that person who doesn't know how she will react to someones kind or not so kind words.  I may laugh hysterically or you may drive me to the bathroom in tears.  I guess it just depends on how I woke up that morning. 

I'm that person that would rather sit on my butt an listen to my kid play or talk, than clean up the mess in the other room, or even the one she's making then.  My house isn't clean, and I don't care.

I've turned into that mother that I don't like. Letting my child get away with things that I normally would have never overlooked. 

I have turned into a person I don't recognize.  I have about 10 different personalities.  Spend enough time around me and you might catch a glimpse of them.

Some days, I feel like a terrible person, filled with grief, sadness, anger, bitterness, you name it.  Other days, I feel like a ray of sunshine and I want to be best friends with the world.  Watch out though, these moods can change in an instant.

So no, I don't know who I am.  All I know is that, I am still grieving a child that I lost, I also suffered a miscarriage that set me back a few steps, but I have a beautiful daughter and loving husband to rescue me when I'm sad, to lift my spirits when down.  I should have another little smiling face to add to my pictures, but I don't.  All I have to show for 9 months of sickness and love kicks, are memories and pictures.  Things that I dearly cherish, and will forever, but it will never be the same as having another pair of sweet little arms to wrap around your neck, another set of lips to kiss everyday another life to tell you love.

I will never be the same person I use to be, I think that when you lay a child to rest, a piece of you stays there, with that infant, toddler, teenager or grown adult, forever.  Until I feel something different, this is my philosophy. 

Don't feel sorry for me.  I'm only one of many.  Just know that I am not alone.  There are others around you that I'm sure have lost a child of their own.  Let them talk to you, let them be "themselves" around you, and please, let them talk about their child without feeling uncomfortable.  There is no "your child was/your child could have been/forever gone/etc. etc."  These lives are still here, in our hearts, forever.  Kyndal Grace will forever be a part of my life.  I'm trying to figure myself out, just like many others.  For now, I don't know who I am, and that's okay with me.

Mold me and make me who I will become.

Things NOT to say...

In My Support group, we were talking a little about what some people say.  I looked up some articles, this is one I found, tweaked a little by yours truly.

Things Not To Say when someone has a loss:

Don’t start any sentence with “At least. . . .”
• “At least you didn’t have time to really love her.”
(I do love my baby, she was a part of me, I knew her habits, her taps...)
• “At least she’s in heaven now.”
(She is, but that doesn't mean I don't have a selfish bone in me that wishes she was still with me, at least is just a awful word to use)
• "At least you have other children."
(Yes I do.  But my child does NOT replace the one that's not here)
• "At least that's one less mouth you'll have to feed."
(I would feed 10 other mouths, if that meant I could have my one mouth back...)
• "At least it didn't have to go through the pain of birth."
(I'm sorry, I did, and I would do it again)

Don’t attempt to minimize the other person’s pain.• "It's okay, you can have other children."
(Maybe I can, what if I can't?  Either way those "other children" will NEVER replace the one that's gone)

Don’t try to explain what God is doing behind the scenes.
• “I guess God knew you weren’t ready to be parents yet.”
(WHAT!? Say this if you want a nice throat punch)
• "Now you'll find out who your friends are."
(Who cares? I would rather not know who my friends are and have my baby)
• "This baby must have just not been meant to be."
(Really?)
• "There must have been something wrong with the baby."
(*sigh* I would have loved her regardless)
Don’t blame the other person:
• “If you had more faith, your daughter would be healed.”
(I have faith.  She wasn't healed.  That's not ALL it takes.)
• “You are not praying hard enough.”
(Ugh...)
• "Maybe God is punishing you. Have you done something sinful?"
(I'm about to...)
• "Oh, you're not going to let this get you down, are you?"
(Probably a little bit. Get over it)
• "Couldn't you have done something about it?"
(Really? Why don't you HELP me beat myself up?)

Don’t compare what the other person is going through to ANYTHING else or anyone else’s problem:
• "It's not as bad as that time I. . ."
(you what? Lost your baby? Because that's the only thing that remotely compares)
• "Oh, I know exactly how you feel."
(See above parenthesis)

Don’t use the word “should”:
• "You should be happy/grateful that God is refining you."
(I should be happy that He took my baby? Because that's what you just said.)

Don’t use cliches and platitudes:
• "Look on the bright side."
• “He’s in a better place.”
• “She’s an angel now.”
• “He’s with the Lord.”
(I can say these things, and you can think them, but it's not always comforting to hear them from someone else)
Don’t instruct the person:•
• “Remember that God is in control.”
(I know He is, please don't continue to tell me...)
• “Remember, all things work together for good for those that love God and are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28 is powerful to comfort oneself, but it can feel like being bludgeoned when it comes from anyone else.)

Also:

Grief is a process. No one ever "gets over" the loss of a child.

Don't avoid the parents. Acknowledge the anniversary of the couples' stillborn delivery. It allows people to know they are not alone and that others are grieving too.

Avoid telling them about other miscarriages or stillbirths. They have enough to deal with now.
(unless you are experiencing this, I don't want to know about your friend of a friend of a friend that's going through this.)

Show sensitivity. Acknowledge that other's happy news may be painful for the grieving parents. Don't be angry at them if they can't attend a baby shower, baptism, or other ceremony at this time. They probably already feel guilty and isolated enough. (!!!!!!)

Please do not take offense to this post.  I did this for other loss moms too.  It isn't always seen that we are still hurting, even years down the road.  I hurt for my friends that hurt, and my family that hurts.  I know the pain of this experience, and it is heart wrenching that anyone has felt it.  It will never go away, just become more bearable. 

What a Weekend

Well, I guess we can count Thursday as part of the weekend huh?

Buddy left for work, and his truck decided to bite the dust 4.5 hours into his 8 hour drive. 

A-mazing. 

The fix is going to cosy $2,200, so he is having to stay at work for three weeks instead of just two.  I was on my way to see Jessica when he told me to head his direction.  We called my father in law to see if he would mind giving Caylee and me a ride home.  I felt terrible considering he had just worked 12 hours and had to turn around to meet buddy at the Ford dealership. 

I dropped my car off with Buddy, leaving me stranded until I can find some way to get up there to get it the weekend of the 20th.  Which is also making me miss my little getaway to Amanda's house *big sappy tears* the good news is, I can go stay with her on my way home.  It will definitely make my drive shorter.

Friday: Was the relaxing day, I took mom to work and drove her car to go see Jessica for the day.  The kids played, we talked, the kids fought, we ate, we baked some pretty amazing cookies....

Funfetti Cookies. The instructions are on the side of the cake mix box.  DO IT.

(I pretty much ate about 8 cookies and came home full as a tick.) I couldn't eat another bite for the rest of the night. We talked some more, and then I had to leave to go get mom from work.  On the way there, I stopped by to see my baby and left her something pretty...

Saturday:  Mom and I went to the outlets on 290.  At about 12PM we suddenly got an explosion of texts from my sister.  I take my phone out of my pocket and *BAM* I get queasy...

 (WARNING: Very graphic)

Broken...

Yeah, that's a hole, in my 8 year old nephews leg, all the way to the bone.

They got in a 4wheeling accident.  Poor babies.  We dropped something off to my brother and headed home.

Jacob got a nice little injury too.

The back of his head *shudders*

He's still handsome, even though he got the snot beat out of him.

These boys are tough.  Patrick (my brother in law) said they were calm and quiet the whole hour to the hospital. Yes I said HOUR.

Oh and then I found this...

when I took Caylees panties off to put her to bed.  My little clepto.

Sunday:  I got up early and stayed with Jacob, mom and Johnny at my sisters, while Elise and Patrick were with Joshy.   I brought Johnny home with me until they came home from the hospital. 

Needless to say, this is what Caylee did at 8 PM

Man, she looks like her daddy in this picture...

It's late, and I'm tired.  2012 better kick it into high gear.

I've got high hopes for this year, it better shape up, because it's definitely not being very nice so far.

December...

I am so thankful that this month is almost over.  It's been long and the hardest yet.  I haven't been in the mood to update our blog.  I'm finally getting there I think.  I'll start with a few pictures.

Since Kyndal wasn't here to give gifts to, we decided to adopt an angel with the Salvation Army. The information is in my Thanksgiving in Heaven post here. 

Her gifts.

Honestly, this helped me, A LOT.  I'm finally able to go in the infant girls section without immediately bursting out in tears.  I still get little anxiety attacks, but they're not as bad as they use to be.  It was so much fun being able to do this.  We were able to help someone, and able to buy gifts we would have purchased for Kyndal.

And now.  A picture of Caylee and her loot.

I went thru every picture I took of her, not one smile! I can tell she's excited in some of them, but anyone else would think she was mad. Oh well!

Merry (late) Christmas everyone. 

Can't WAIT for the New Year.

A Beautiful News Article

Babies' Cells Linger

Just read it. 

Maybe one day, she will protect me in more than one way.  Always find the positive.

 

Pictures

Oh a picture.

A picture can bring on many emotions. They can make you happy, bringing back good memories, they can make you sad, wishing you could go back, they can also make you miss someone terribly.  Today was full of pictures that brought all of these emotions to the surface. Every emotion you can possibly imagine, mixed into one.  When I opened the file, I was prepared to see a baby I didn't recognize.  I thought she would look 100% different than what I remembered.  To my surprise, she seemed even more beautiful than the day I met her.

I can't explain the story the pictures tell.  They replay the whole scene, seeing and holding her for the first time, looking at her beautiful, perfect features.  They are so hard to look out without crying, but for some reason I can't stop looking. 

I don't know that I will be able to share them right now.  Maybe a few at a time.  They are so personal to me.  My friend explained it perfectly earlier.  It's like showing your most vulnerable parts to the whole world.  Like you're totally exposed. 

But for now, I will leave you with this.

I don't want the world to know when I'm weak, those moments are for God and me. 

For I know He will lift me up and bring me through my darkest valley.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:9 & 10 

 

Black Friday-Cyber Monday

Black friday=WOW.  I always went to town on the fridays after Thanksgiving and thought "I don't understand what the big deal is, it's not that busy." But going the night OF Thanksgiving has given me a WHOLE new perspective.  My sister and I went to Wal-Mart to see what they had.  There was no where to park and it was crazy inside.  I will NEVER do that again, even though I did get Caylee a pretty awesome doll for $10 and some christmas shopping done for some of the other kids. 

Today I found some deals, finished up ALL the shopping for the kids in the family (they're the most important right?)

My monthly friend reared her ugly face this weekend.  I'm very thankful for her appearance, but now I wish she would go away and not show up again for 9 months. Please and thank you. (I really hope no men read my blog, awkward.)

I still haven't seen a day without tears for my sweet Kyndal.  It seems some days are a lot worse than others, and some are a lot better.  Caylee woke up this morning with me and said "look, mom" pointing at Kyndals pictures "Baby siser seepin" I love that she knows thats HER baby sister.  Thank the Lord for my smart girl.

Caylee playing at the mall with Brannon and Braylen

Thanksgiving In Heaven

Today was Kyndal's first Thanksgiving.  It may have been in heaven, but she was here in our hearts.

Buddy came home at 9 AM.  He wasn't supposed to be here until later, but he got to leave work early.
{I'm Thankful for a job that pays the bills} 
We spent the whole day together.
{I'm Thankful for a husband who wants to spend time with me}
 Caylee went to Thanksgiving at the farm with my family.  She had a blast.
{I'm Thankful for my family}

It was nice to just spend time with Bud.  I miss that alone time. We sure did miss the little miss though.

{I'm Thankful for a happy AND healthy 2yr old who means the world to me}

Today was hard, I'm not going to lie.  I heard some good news, that also made me sad. 

{I'm thankful for growth}

I missed my baby girl all day today. I've been fighting away tears since it started, picturing her here with us.  I need to try to focus on her happiness where she is.

{I'm Thankful that I got to spend 9 precious months with Kyndal before she went to be a perfect part of heaven}

I decided to adopt an angel this year. A 5 month old little girl.  I hope to do this every year, I was going to buy Kyndal presents, so why not help a little girl out that is in need?

{I'm Thankful that I am able to do this, even if it's not much}

Click here to adopt your own angel

I'm excited.  I get to buy her things I would have got for Kyndal.  Maybe this will help me AND her.

{I'm Thankful for the LORD, and His healing hands}

Death Certificate

It's not a good day when you wake up to a call from a funeral home, asking you to come pick up your baby's death certificate. 

My phone rang, waking me up, I didn't answer because I didn't recognize the number.  Checked the voicemail and my day went downhill.  So I got up, did my work out and asked Kate to watch Caylee for me. 

I went by H.E.B. sobbing the whole way.  Picked up some flowers, and went to see my baby where her body will always be.  It was raining like crazy.  I haven't been by there in two weeks. TWO WEEKS. I feel like a horrible mother.  I gave her flowers and stood in the rain, watching her flowers get soaked and her fresh grave get wet.  I felt like the Lord was weeping with me, letting me know He feels my pain. 

When I left there I went to Brazos Valley Monument to look at some headstones.  I figured I was already in a sour mood, why not try to look for a headstone then.  I have an idea of what I like, I just need to run it by Buddy.  Whatever we get will have a laser print of her beautiful face. 

I left there and picked up her Death Certificate.  I guess that makes everything even MORE real.  It's never settling to see this

I miss my baby, and even though my heart is broken I know I will be with her again one day.

Thank you Kristen for this scripture.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."

Psalms 34:18

Glory Baby

I'm with my best friend right now making roman shades for her living room (they look awesome btw) and I wanted to listen to all the lyrics to "Glory Baby" by Watermark. I started crying after I typed it into YouTube, seeing all the children who have passed away. I wanted to read about Nathan and Christy Nockels of Waternark. I heard years ago that she had lost a baby, and I wanted to know her story.  I ran across this article.

"When Christy Nockels faced the pain of multiple miscarriages, it gave birth to a deeper trust in God.

Modern worship leader Christy Nockels knows what it feels like to lose something precious, and she knows what it's like to have God show up in the midst of that loss. After three-and-a-half years of marriage, Christy and her husband, Nathan, who lead worship and perform as Watermark, discovered they were expecting their first child. It was 1999, and the young couple was over-the-top excited.

'It was a really neat surprise for us,' Christy says. 'I remember that year we were at the Passion conference in Ft. Worth, Texas. My parents had come to the conference to volunteer, so I made up a gift basket for my mom with some obvious 'Grandma' stuff in it, and that's how I told them."

Just a few days later, Christy lost that baby. She was 24 years old, and the miscarriage was scary and painful. The doctor seemed insensitive, Nathan wasn't able to be there at first, her body hurt, and her heart hurt even more.

"When I told my mom, she just cried with me," Christy says. "I think that is the most helpful thing sometimes, just to hurt with someone."

Later that same year, Christy got pregnant again and lost a second baby.

"When I went in to have an ultrasound that day, I remember sitting in the head nurse's office," she shares. "I knew in my heart that something wasn't right, but I was at peace for some reason. I looked over on the wall and saw this tiny canvas painted pink, with a little dried rose stuck on it. It said, 'Be still and know that I am God.' God can speak to our hearts through anything, and that was a huge source of comfort for me."

Friends and family rallied around the couple, and through the losses, God put a song on Christy's heart. She wrote "Glory Baby," and it was recorded on Watermark's All Things New album. The song touched women around the world and became a source of healing for many who have lost children. Christy and Nathan's losses opened doors of ministry, and the suffering actually drew Christy into deeper relationship with God and with Nathan.

"As Nathan and I began our healing process, this song began to pour out of us, and it was one of the most precious times in our marriage," Christy says. "This loss was when Nathan and I really became more 'emotionally married.' We became a better team. We cried together, we held each other more, and we realized the things that mattered most in life.

Christy says the miscarriages were also a wake-up call for her in the area of control. She realized that she needed to relinquish her plan for motherhood to God's timing. She did, and during the couple's first week of recording All Things New, Christy found out she was pregnant for the third time.

"I was by myself when I found out, which was really actually special for me. I ended up having a really neat prayer time with the Lord. I remember crying my eyes out and telling the Lord that if he chose to take this baby, too, that I would be okay with that because I had already been able to see that it was used for his glory."

Today, son Noah is five years old, and Christy recently made the difficult decision to put recording and performing as Watermark aside to spend more time with Noah and his three-year-old sister, Ellie, and to minister and mentor young women through tough times in their lives.

"Our losses give us a clear picture of how God uses sorrow," Christy says. "He allows things to crush us sometimes; he gives and he takes away. It is through those times that we see a side of his love and compassion that we might not have ever seen before."

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=114747613441

I want this to be the story of my loss. I want Kyndal's passing to bring comfort to someone else.
I called the hospital, to see if I could be contacted if any mother or family that was going through the same situation needed someone to lean on. The nurse sounded so excited, and told me she would talk to the charge nurse and get back to me. Pray that she calls me back, and has good news for me. I want to be able to let someone else know, they're going to make it through, it's hard and I'm still working on it, but it is possible, no matter how hopeless you feel.

Kyndal, Clinton, John, Erica and all the other babies in heaven are being held tight. They know we love them and they are waiting on us to join them and hold them again one day.

Dr. Suess

My Many Colored Days

Some days are yellow.
Some are blue.
On different days I'm different too.
You'd be surprised how many ways
I change on Different Colored Days.
On Bright Red Days how good it feels
to be a horse and kick my heels!
On other days I'm other things.
On Bright Blue Days I flap my wings.
Some days, of course, feel sort of Brown.
Then I feel slow and low, low down.
Then comes a Yellow Day and Wheeee
I am a busy, buzzy bee.
Gray Day....Everything is gray. I watch. But nothing moves today.
Then all of a sudden I'm a circus seal! On my Orange Days that's how I feel.
Green Days. Deep deep in the sea. Cool and quite fish. That's me.
On Purple Days I'm sad. I groan. I drag my tail. I walk alone.
But when my days are Happy Pink it's great to jump and just not think.
Then come my Black Days. MAD. And loud. I howl. I growl at every cloud.
Then comes a Mixed-Up Day. And WHAM! I don't know who or what I am!
But it all turns out all right, you see. And I go back to being...me.

My good friend Kristen gave me a copy of this book on a piece of paper, I read it and I thought "man, this is so true."  Everyday is different right now, mixed up emotions.  Today has been a mixed-up day.  One minute I'm one thing and the next I'm another.  I definitely feel purple mostly. 

Caylee and I were on the way to church and I just started sobbing, Caylee yelled at me "Mommy! Turn around!"

I told her I couldn't of course, and she says "Awe, Mommy cryin'"

I said "Mommy's okay baby, she just misses baby Kyndal"

Caylee then says "Mommy, baby Kyndal with Jesus."

I'm so glad she understands and she can be a comfort to me in this situation. It may be bad that I am leaning on her for comfort at times, but she is a big huge part of my sanity.  Love on your babies.  I know I'm loving on mine, there is just one I'm having to love from a distance. 

Today

I made this sticky bun breakfast ring for breakfast.  I followed the recipe like she says to do it, not like the pictures look.  I only used ONE can of biscuits, she says she used two in the pictures but that she would just do one from now on.  So this is what they're suppose to look like. ;) They were good, quick and easy.  I will definitely keep this recipe on hand. 

Before baking

After baking

After flipping

I am going to a M.E.N.D. meeting tonight.  I'm excited about it.  I'm not sure how it will go, but I am hoping to meet some people who can relate to me, in this area of my life.

And now for a random picture of Caylee, are you ready?

Don't mind my hair, I just got out of the bath and I was heading to bed -Caylee

Don't judge me for putting up this picture, she's not even using the potty (as you can tell by the closed lid). Who knows who she was trying to act like here.

Happy Tuesday.

This Can't be MY Life...

Can it?

This book isn't really sitting on MY table waiting for ME to read it, is it?

(Books like this should never say "National Best Seller" at the top.)

I keep asking God to wake me up from this horrible nightmare, but the days just keep passing.  It's just so hard to believe that I am the mother of an angel baby.  I keep telling Caylee she's my angel on earth and Kyndal us my angel in heaven.
The days seem to be getting better.  I had a great day yesterday, everytime Kyndal came to my mind all I could do was smile.  I know she's in a better place, it's just hard to imagine why she's there instead of here. 

I let Caylee paint a picture to go in our room, Here's a preview of her fun.

When I get some other pretties hung up next to the picture, I will post the fisished product.  She had a blast, She eventually had paint all over her legs lol.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose"

Romans 8:28

Halloween

Today has been a roller coaster.  We're staying in tonight.  I'm *kind of* excited about trick or treaters, another part of me is wondering how I'm going to react to kids coming to my door.  I'm sure Caylee will all kinds of love it!

Last night we had our Fall Festival at the church.  It was really fun.  Everyone was amazing.  Caylee really enjoyed the puppet show (who am I kidding, so did I) and she even got her face painted.  There were a few babies there that made me sad.  Kyndal would be very close to their age. I wanted to grab them and love all over them, but I knew that would just make it worse.  I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas without my baby. 

On a side note, I plan on making a recipe from Pinterest tonight! I will post how it comes out and a link to it once it's been devoured. 

Here's a picture of Caylee when we got home from the fall fest.

Yes, the girls gave her a very high side ponytail, and she would NOT move her drink away from her face for a good picture.  She still looks adorable.

Finding the Good

Today has been a good day.  When I first woke up I didn't want to get out of bed, but I did it, slowly but surely.  I left Caylee laying there, peacefully.  When I walked into the living room I found grandma rocking in the rocking chair with the window open, she was reading her bible.  It was such a peaceful thing to walk in on.  I love spending time with grandma, talking or just sitting around.  Kristen came over and cooked an amazing lunch, and stayed and talked for a long time.  Buddy's mom came over and cleaned my floors and bathrooms.  Needless to say, with her cleaning, everything feels amazing! :)

Caylee cuddled up to grandma and took a nap, (3 hours) apparently, she loves her grandma too! The day went on without much activity, until mom got here. Amanda S. showed up and cooked an awesome dinner.  I think I'm getting spoiled. 

Kyndal has been in my thoughts all day.  I looked at my best friends wedding pictures today, and I wanted to cry. I was 7 months pregnant with Kyndal when she got married.  I will always cherish the pictures I have of her inside.  Amanda doesn't even know how much more it means to me, that I got to be a part of her wedding while I was pregnant with my Kyndal. My baby girl is loved by many, but I don't think anyone will ever miss her as much as I do. 

"And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me." 

 Psalms 50:15

Yesterday...

Buddy left for work.  It shook my world a little bit.  It was hard to go from being with him every second, to him being so far and so busy I only get random texts and a few calls.  I miss him, but I am so thankful he will only be gone until Thurday night.

I also came home to the most amazing gifts.  The girls from BOTB, got together got caylee the cutest little bear (that she is IN LOVE with).  For me, they got something I will forever cherish. 

I bawled like a baby when I opened these boxes.  The inscription says "The Lord called me from the womb, from the body of my mother He named my name, Kyndal Grace-October 12, 2011".  It is too beautiful for words.  I have no idea how to thank these ladies enough. Love you girls. You have all been there for me, and so supportive, you are all awesome.

I've decided that I am going to take at least one new picture of Caylee a day.  About a year ago, I completely stopped taking pictures. I don't know why, it just happened.  Today, that all changes. 

-Ruthy

Healing

Jessica came over Monday night and we had a long talk about everything.  She is like a second sister to me.  Healing is a process, but I feel like talking to her helped.  After she left, Buddy and I talked.  It was  nice to hear what he was feeling too.  I have so many questions, some that will never be answered.  I have to try to push those questions aside.  The funny thing is, I haven't questioned God's plan in this.  I know he has plans for our lives, and he will have his way in this.  I'm praying that I will see every little thing that comes out of Kyndals short life.  She is so special to me, and I don't know what I would do without her. 

Caylee, oh Caylee.  She is a mess. I thought it was going to be so hard to get her back to her good girl self, but it has been, oddly, easy.  I have become a different person through this in more than one way.  I am so different about how I dicipline.  I don't get as aggravated, and I don't raise my voice.  I feel like Michelle Dugger lol.  Buddy thinks I'm crazy but it seems to be working.  When Caylee asks me to do something, instead of being lazy, I get up and go play with her, color, or whatever she wants, and when I'm tired and don't want to go, she is more understanding.  I love her and I don't ever want to take her for granted.  I want to shake these parents that are so mean to their children/ungrateful for them.  I want to tell them to count their blessings.  I know I will have another little blessing one day, but for now I have one here on earth to raise, and one amazing healing angel in heaven that is laughing with all the other babies that were called home, to that place we all want to be some day.

Kyndal Grace's Birth

I went in for a routine weekly visit with my midwife on October 11, 2011. I was due on the 15th so I was a little over 39 weeks pregnant. When I got to my midwives house I weighed, got measured, etc. I laid down so we could listen to Kyndals heartbeat, she put the monitor on me and we listened... nothing. I got on my hands and knees, and we still couldn't find anything. I hadn't felt her move all day, and the more I thought about it, I hadn't felt much movement the day before. My midwife got me into her car and rushed me to the hospital. When we got there we were taken up to a L&D room and I was told to get in the bed. They put a monitor on the baby and we still couldn't find it. So they called in a tech. She turned the screen out of my sight and searched. Everyone could see but me, I was so nervous. She was so cold when I heard those words come out of her mouth "does the doctor need anything signed by me?" I can still hear her over and over. I lost it. I lost my mind. What was I going to do? How was I going to make it? My life felt over. I prayed with Buddy, my pastor and his wife. They walked me to the L&D room at the furthest end of that area so I wouldn't have to hear any babies. They took forever, we found out her heart had stopped beating at 12:15pm and they started the cervidril at about 1pm. I had nothing going on so we were starting from scratch. 4 hours and light contrations later, they checked me, I was at a 2 but still thick. They gave me another cervidril. 4 hours later they checked me again. My cervix was thin enough for them, finally, and I was still at a 2. They started pitocin at 9pm. My contractions weren't too bad.
My family came in from everywhere once they heard the news. They kept me company throughout the night. Every two hours the nurses checked me and I had progressed a cm each time until I hit a 6. By this time it was 5am and I was exhausted, So I tried to sleep. I slept for an hour an a half, even though my contrations were picking up. They checked me again at 7am I was still a 6 but my cervix was fully thinned so they broke my water. I went fast from there, but it was a lot harder to labor through it. My aunt was in there coaching me along with my sister and DH. My sister rubbed my back, and DH held my hand. At about 8 am I started hurting bad. I couldn't breathe through my contractions like I was told to. I was writhing all over the bed and saying "I can't do this", the nurse grabbed my hands and said "look at me, in 2-3, out 2-3-4" over and over through each contraction. That is honestly what got me through. I found my focus in her face and breathed. My aunt took over. They were both awesome. DH was a rock through it all. They checked me again and I was at an 8. I was so frustrated because I felt like I had labored forever with no progress, but I had gone 2 cms in one hour. This continued for another hour, They started getting everything ready. I started feeling the urge to push. I never understood that term, until then. It felt so good to push, like I was almost there. I pushed for a little while, then I felt her head crown. It was still so good to push, her head didn't bother me too bad. I got her head halfway out and my contraction ended, I had to wait. I remember telling the DR. "that hurts". I got her head out and was thinking "oh wow, much better." Then came her shoulders. I was in for a surprise. That was honestly the hardest part. I had no tearing, I truely believe it was becasue I had full control of my body. Kyndal Grace came into this world at 10:12 am on 10/12/2011. Once she was out, it was kind of bittersweet. I didn't know what to think, This is the first and last time I would ever hold my baby girl that I had carried and protected for 9 months, that I felt loving on me, that I had cherished, and waited for and loved every kick and punch from, even if it did hurt. She was to become a part of our everyday lives, she was going to be Caylees little sister, that I could watch them grow up together and fight with each other and love on each other. How was I supposed to be okay with this?
My doctor said "wow" I asked her what was going on. She was hesitant to tell me that Kyndal Grace had managed to wrap her umbilical chord around her neck 3 times. Such an active little girl. I had heard how active she was from the beginning when my MW had chased her around my stomach to find her heartbeat. DH broke down, he is such a rock. Strong, kind, encouraging. He has impressed me throughout this whole process. We have bothe been in disbelief. We waited for my placenta and once the doctor had it she examined it. She found that Kyndal had also tied a knot in her umbilical chord. Wow. It still shocks me. They cleaned my baby girl up they let me change out of my hospital gown and into a decent shirt and the photographer came in. She was amazing. DH couldn't stay and hold her. He was afraid of what it would do to him. I don't blame him, I didn't know if I could do it. They wrapped her up and put her in a beautiful hat that my friend picked up for me, and they handed her to me. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, to hold my baby knowing I would never see her breathe, never hear her cry, nerver see her smile. She was so beautiful. She reminded me so much of her big sister. She was perfect in every way. I looked at her from head to toe and soaked every inch of her in, I etched her into my memory forever. I let my pastor and my amazing uncle come in and pray for me, they held her and told her how much they loved her. I spent a little more time with her, and then let her grand parents in. Her great grandma held her first, she was so upset but she just glowed with my baby girl in her arms. My mom took her next and then my mother in law. They were so sad and they love her so much. When they were done I let all my family and friends come in and say goodbye to her. The photographer stayed in for so long. I held her and held her, I needed my husband. I needed to see him and hug him and I needed my first baby girl. I handed Kyndal to the nurse with a promise I would see her again. I loved on my husband and my Caylee for a little while and then I went to the L&D room across the hall.
My mom had Kyndal in there and loved on her while I was loving on my husband. The funeral director was on his way to get her. I held her until he got there. I couldn't let her go. I kissed her head and told her how much I love her. I told the funeral guy he was going to have to take her because I couldn't give her up. I leaned on the fact that I would see her 2 days later at the viewing. He took her and I had empty arms. I went back to my room and got DH back in there. My sister kept Caylee so we could rest. We laid down and slept for a few hours. They let me go home at 5:30pm. It didn't come fast enough after Kyndal left my arms. It has been a crazy roller coaster since she left. She will always be in our hearts. I'm thankful that she will never have to face the hardships of this world, and that she has brought so much healing to our lives. I love my angel in heaven, and I can't wait to hold her again one day, and see that beautiful smile on her precious little face.