Halloween

Today has been a roller coaster.  We're staying in tonight.  I'm *kind of* excited about trick or treaters, another part of me is wondering how I'm going to react to kids coming to my door.  I'm sure Caylee will all kinds of love it!

Last night we had our Fall Festival at the church.  It was really fun.  Everyone was amazing.  Caylee really enjoyed the puppet show (who am I kidding, so did I) and she even got her face painted.  There were a few babies there that made me sad.  Kyndal would be very close to their age. I wanted to grab them and love all over them, but I knew that would just make it worse.  I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas without my baby. 

On a side note, I plan on making a recipe from Pinterest tonight! I will post how it comes out and a link to it once it's been devoured. 

Here's a picture of Caylee when we got home from the fall fest.

Yes, the girls gave her a very high side ponytail, and she would NOT move her drink away from her face for a good picture.  She still looks adorable.

Being Pregnant

Oh, how I hated being pregnant.  I hated how I felt, how I looked, just everything.  Being pregnant with Kyndal was somehow a little different than my pregnancy with Caylee.  Kyndal kept my face clear, I was working while I was pregnant with Caylee so being home and pregnant with Kyndal was a lot more relaxing.  I really tried hard to enjoy being pregnant, but I was so ready to meet her.  I wish I could turn back the clock, start from the beginning.  Go back to the innocence of not knowing, or having the feeling of complete security while being pregnant.  I don't have many pictures of me while I was pregnant either time, but I will forever cherish the ones I have.  

This was at Amanda's wedding when I was 7 months pregnant.  I loved that she asked me to be her Maid of Honour, even though I was rather large at this point.   

This was taken by my mom about a week before my world was turned upside down.  I love that I have a big goofy smile on my face, (I'm sure Caylee was doing something crazy) I love how content I was in this picture, just *knowing* I was going to meet her soon. I hate how big my nose looks and the fact that this is one of the only good pictures I have of my life with Kyndal.

Today, I miss my baby, I miss her kicks, I miss rubbing her, telling her that I love her, and following her all around my belly.  Oh, what I would give to be pregnant with her again.

^"Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee;

and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee"

Jeremiah 1:5

Tonight, I see the Bradley girls.

After eveything happened.  I spoke with my Bradley instructor to see if I could e-mail the girls, and tell them about my natural birth.  She wanted to know if I would like to meet with them, because some of them wanted to talk.  So, we set it up.  I'm excited, and nervous at the same time.  A room full of pregnant ladies, with cute little inside babies.  I don't know how I'm going to respond to seeing them.  They are so wonderful for wanting to see me and talk to me.  Pray it goes well, and I can get throught everything without freaking them out...

Finding the Good

Today has been a good day.  When I first woke up I didn't want to get out of bed, but I did it, slowly but surely.  I left Caylee laying there, peacefully.  When I walked into the living room I found grandma rocking in the rocking chair with the window open, she was reading her bible.  It was such a peaceful thing to walk in on.  I love spending time with grandma, talking or just sitting around.  Kristen came over and cooked an amazing lunch, and stayed and talked for a long time.  Buddy's mom came over and cleaned my floors and bathrooms.  Needless to say, with her cleaning, everything feels amazing! :)

Caylee cuddled up to grandma and took a nap, (3 hours) apparently, she loves her grandma too! The day went on without much activity, until mom got here. Amanda S. showed up and cooked an awesome dinner.  I think I'm getting spoiled. 

Kyndal has been in my thoughts all day.  I looked at my best friends wedding pictures today, and I wanted to cry. I was 7 months pregnant with Kyndal when she got married.  I will always cherish the pictures I have of her inside.  Amanda doesn't even know how much more it means to me, that I got to be a part of her wedding while I was pregnant with my Kyndal. My baby girl is loved by many, but I don't think anyone will ever miss her as much as I do. 

"And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me." 

 Psalms 50:15

Tiny Footprints

Kyndal's footprints.  They're so little.  I could just look at them all day. 

Grave Site

Today, mom, Caylee and I went to the cemetery to see Kyndal, Clinton, Erica, and John. Kyndal is buried next to my cousin Clinton and Erica and John are my brother and sister that passed shortly after they were born.  We took them all flowers in pots.  Caylee really enjoyed putting them on the headstones.  It was unreal seeing a fresh grave and knowing MY baby was buried there.  Buddy kept telling me how bad he wished he was home, to go with us. It was hard going, but harder to leave.  I know her body is just buried there and her soul is in heaven, but knowing that the last part of her I had was buried in the ground broke my heart.

Kyndal Grace Munsey.  I love you.

Oh, How He Loves

Today isn't even halfway over, and it's already a sad one.  We had church this morning, which was awesome, but it was sad that it was my first time in sunday school with all the kids, not pregnant and not with my baby.  I kept looking down at my empty stomach.  I imagined in so many practices, my first service with out an inside baby would mean, I finally had my outside baby.  Kyndal was there with me this morning though, I just know it.  My my arms are empty without my baby girl here, but, Oh, how He loves me, how He loves me so... I have to remember how this was all for a reason, and He loves me, even through this.




Next time will be better, it will become normal without her here, but I will always miss her, I will always remember the days she was with me.  Lord, continue to show me how much You love me.
-Ruthy