Thursday, April 26, 2012

Who am I?

This is a question I've been asking myself for a while now.  Who am I?  I have no idea who this person who stares back at me in a mirror is.  I know a few things about myself, a few things I don't want to change right now.

I know that I am that mother that lets her almost 3 year old decide when it's bedtime.  We use to have a very strict rule, bedtime was set, that was it, no questions asked.  Now, I cling to the moments I get to hear her talk to me, I get to hear her tell me she's "Princess Ariel" as she dresses up in pretty little dresses.

I'm also that mother that enjoys the bedtime snuggles.  I will cherish them until I'm no longer wanted next to her, or she's "too old for that mom".  I don't care what you think of me,  my almost 3 year old sleeps in my bed.  I love to fall asleep listening to her breathing, scared to death that I won't hear it again tomorrow. 

I'm that person who doesn't know how she will react to someones kind or not so kind words.  I may laugh hysterically or you may drive me to the bathroom in tears.  I guess it just depends on how I woke up that morning. 

I'm that person that would rather sit on my butt an listen to my kid play or talk, than clean up the mess in the other room, or even the one she's making then.  My house isn't clean, and I don't care.

I've turned into that mother that I don't like. Letting my child get away with things that I normally would have never overlooked. 

I have turned into a person I don't recognize.  I have about 10 different personalities.  Spend enough time around me and you might catch a glimpse of them.

Some days, I feel like a terrible person, filled with grief, sadness, anger, bitterness, you name it.  Other days, I feel like a ray of sunshine and I want to be best friends with the world.  Watch out though, these moods can change in an instant.

So no, I don't know who I am.  All I know is that, I am still grieving a child that I lost, I also suffered a miscarriage that set me back a few steps, but I have a beautiful daughter and loving husband to rescue me when I'm sad, to lift my spirits when down.  I should have another little smiling face to add to my pictures, but I don't.  All I have to show for 9 months of sickness and love kicks, are memories and pictures.  Things that I dearly cherish, and will forever, but it will never be the same as having another pair of sweet little arms to wrap around your neck, another set of lips to kiss everyday another life to tell you love.

I will never be the same person I use to be, I think that when you lay a child to rest, a piece of you stays there, with that infant, toddler, teenager or grown adult, forever.  Until I feel something different, this is my philosophy. 

Don't feel sorry for me.  I'm only one of many.  Just know that I am not alone.  There are others around you that I'm sure have lost a child of their own.  Let them talk to you, let them be "themselves" around you, and please, let them talk about their child without feeling uncomfortable.  There is no "your child was/your child could have been/forever gone/etc. etc."  These lives are still here, in our hearts, forever.  Kyndal Grace will forever be a part of my life.  I'm trying to figure myself out, just like many others.  For now, I don't know who I am, and that's okay with me.

Mold me and make me who I will become.


  1. I love you baby sister more than you will ever know!!

  2. I love you and your beautiful baby girls :) and I am so glad I got to "spank" and recieve "spankings" from your oldest. That brought me pure joy. :).