Thursday, October 11, 2012

What a year...

I don't even know where to begin. Today is a day I have been dreading with every ounce of me, I am not ready for tomorrow either. 
A lot has changed in a year.  I turned 25,  (even though I feel 35) Caylee turned 3, I made it a whole year without my baby, you know, normal things... *sigh* normal for me.  A few days ago, I couldn't stop thinking about what I was doing that same day the year before.  What I could have done to change the outcome of my life, of Kyndal's life.  She could still be here if I would have made a few different choices, gone to the hospital when I noticed slow movement.  What I would give to change that, what I would give to have her back.  Today, I keep remembering everything that happened through out the day.  What it felt like to be in Toni's car on the way to the hospital.  What anguish I felt laying in that hospital bed hoping, praying that she would just kick me, only to learn that she was gone, no heartbeat.  Screaming because I could feel my heart breaking into pieces.  Seeing the pain on my sweet husbands face.  Making the decision to be induced, even though I didn't want to be there one more second.  Laying in that bed, trying to be strong, surrounded by people, trying to cry silently, knowing that my baby was dead, knowing that I was laboring, only to have the only outcome I never expected, an outcome I NEVER wanted. 
I don't want to face tomorrow.  I don't want to celebrate my baby's birthday with out her here.  We should be planning a birthday party, instead of cleaning Kyndal's grave. 
This year has been the hardest year of my life.  Learning to live again, learning to love the new way that I do, trying to find myself again.  I haven't been good at anything.  I don't know who I am, I'm learning, RE-learning so many things. 
Today, I kept myself busy, and when it was almost over, I walked outside after a storm, to this...
Thank you baby, for reminding me that there is always a rainbow after a terrible storm.  I couldn't help but think that even though you won't ever be here with me again, that you are just like that second rainbow in this picture, even though it's hard to see sometimes, you are there, watching over us, surrounding our lives.  I know my rainbow is coming, but nothing will ever take your place in my heart. A piece of me will always be with you.
What a year this has been. 

1 comment:

  1. Beautifully written! Love you! I often try to imagine myself in your shoes, but it's soo unfathomable to someone who hasn't lost a child. I want to be able to know what to say, but there aren't any words. Im always here to listen.