I am so thankful that this month is almost over. It's been long and the hardest yet. I haven't been in the mood to update our blog. I'm finally getting there I think. I'll start with a few pictures.
Since Kyndal wasn't here to give gifts to, we decided to adopt an angel with the Salvation Army. The information is in my Thanksgiving in Heaven post here.
Her gifts.
Honestly, this helped me, A LOT. I'm finally able to go in the infant girls section without immediately bursting out in tears. I still get little anxiety attacks, but they're not as bad as they use to be. It was so much fun being able to do this. We were able to help someone, and able to buy gifts we would have purchased for Kyndal.
And now. A picture of Caylee and her loot.
I went thru every picture I took of her, not one smile! I can tell she's excited in some of them, but anyone else would think she was mad. Oh well!
A picture can bring on many emotions. They can make you happy, bringing back good memories, they can make you sad, wishing you could go back, they can also make you miss someone terribly. Today was full of pictures that brought all of these emotions to the surface. Every emotion you can possibly imagine, mixed into one. When I opened the file, I was prepared to see a baby I didn't recognize. I thought she would look 100% different than what I remembered. To my surprise, she seemed even more beautiful than the day I met her.
I can't explain the story the pictures tell. They replay the whole scene, seeing and holding her for the first time, looking at her beautiful, perfect features. They are so hard to look out without crying, but for some reason I can't stop looking.
I don't know that I will be able to share them right now. Maybe a few at a time. They are so personal to me. My friend explained it perfectly earlier. It's like showing your most vulnerable parts to the whole world. Like you're totally exposed.
But for now, I will leave you with this.
I don't want the world to know when I'm weak, those moments are for God and me.
For I know He will lift me up and bring me through my darkest valley.
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked,
"What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say,
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's
not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many
women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a
lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I
wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go
to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy
loved me so much
I got to come straight here!
I feel so lucky to have a
Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My
Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her
hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be
sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are
here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with
Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come
home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Black friday=WOW. I always went to town on the fridays after Thanksgiving and thought "I don't understand what the big deal is, it's not that busy." But going the night OF Thanksgiving has given me a WHOLE new perspective. My sister and I went to Wal-Mart to see what they had. There was no where to park and it was crazy inside. I will NEVER do that again, even though I did get Caylee a pretty awesome doll for $10 and some christmas shopping done for some of the other kids.
Today I found some deals, finished up ALL the shopping for the kids in the family (they're the most important right?)
My monthly friend reared her ugly face this weekend. I'm very thankful for her appearance, but now I wish she would go away and not show up again for 9 months. Please and thank you. (I really hope no men read my blog, awkward.)
I still haven't seen a day without tears for my sweet Kyndal. It seems some days are a lot worse than others, and some are a lot better. Caylee woke up this morning with me and said "look, mom" pointing at Kyndals pictures "Baby siser seepin" I love that she knows thats HER baby sister. Thank the Lord for my smart girl.
Caylee playing at the mall with Brannon and Braylen
Today was Kyndal's first Thanksgiving. It may have been in heaven, but she was here in our hearts.
Buddy came home at 9 AM. He wasn't supposed to be here until later, but he got to leave work early.
{I'm Thankful for a job that pays the bills}
We spent the whole day together.
{I'm Thankful for a husband who wants to spend time with me}
Caylee went to Thanksgiving at the farm with my family. She had a blast.
{I'm Thankful for my family}
It was nice to just spend time with Bud. I miss that alone time. We sure did miss the little miss though.
{I'm Thankful for a happy AND healthy 2yr old who means the world to me}
Today was hard, I'm not going to lie. I heard some good news, that also made me sad.
{I'm thankful for growth}
I missed my baby girl all day today. I've been fighting away tears since it started, picturing her here with us. I need to try to focus on her happiness where she is.
{I'm Thankful that I got to spend 9 precious months with Kyndal before she went to be a perfect part of heaven}
I decided to adopt an angel this year. A 5 month old little girl. I hope to do this every year, I was going to buy Kyndal presents, so why not help a little girl out that is in need?
{I'm Thankful that I am able to do this, even if it's not much}
Today was good, and then everything just hit me like a ton of bricks.
A Internet friend posted about her sister, she is pregnant with twins (16 weeks) one has passed away and the other will most likely not make it unless a miracle happens. I am bawling for this family, she has lost a baby of her own. I wish I could do something to help them.
This on top of other things, has me tore up tonight. I miss my baby. Please say a prayer for them, for strength, a miracle, something.
"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted."
This week has been very up and down (which is to be expected). Grandma, Caylee and I went to Sams and picked up ingredients to make her homemade rolls.
When we started making, I followed her around and made her measure every.little.ingredient.
I mean, doesn't this batter look delish?
I got the recipe jotted down and we went to separating (after it rose of course)
Yes, her hands are clean. We made 24 rolls then grandma made 24...
Dun, Dun, Dun...
Pure delishishness.
Everything turned out amazing.
I made the rolls for Thanksgiving at my in-laws tonight, and I think they turned out pretty good. We had fun today. It doesn't always cancel out the bad in the days, but it helps.
I will always miss my baby. Not a day goes by that I'm not constantly thinking about her. I want to talk about her all the time, but I know it isn't always fun for other people to hear about her. It will always make people uncomfortable, that's just something I have to get use to.
"All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose."
I pre-cooked the stuffing, although it was really moist when I pulled it out, so you don't HAVE to pre-cook it.
Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees
Cut 4 pieces of tinfoil
Spread the stuffing evenly between the four pieces
Set chicken on top of stuffing
Season
Add broccoli and Cauliflower on top of chicken
Add cheese
Put a little ranch on top
Cup tinfoil
Add a little water
Put in baking dish
If you use thick chicken breasts like I did, cook for 1hr 15mins
If you flatten your chicken cook for 50 mins
Easy peasy
When Buddy gets home I plan to make this with Bacon instead of veggies. I will let you all know how that turns out. I'm sure he will love it. He HATES veggies.
Thank you AshleyAnthony2B from BOTB for this recipe.
It's not a good day when you wake up to a call from a funeral home, asking you to come pick up your baby's death certificate.
My phone rang, waking me up, I didn't answer because I didn't recognize the number. Checked the voicemail and my day went downhill. So I got up, did my work out and asked Kate to watch Caylee for me.
I went by H.E.B. sobbing the whole way. Picked up some flowers, and went to see my baby where her body will always be. It was raining like crazy. I haven't been by there in two weeks. TWO WEEKS. I feel like a horrible mother. I gave her flowers and stood in the rain, watching her flowers get soaked and her fresh grave get wet. I felt like the Lord was weeping with me, letting me know He feels my pain.
When I left there I went to Brazos Valley Monument to look at some headstones. I figured I was already in a sour mood, why not try to look for a headstone then. I have an idea of what I like, I just need to run it by Buddy. Whatever we get will have a laser print of her beautiful face.
I left there and picked up her Death Certificate. I guess that makes everything even MORE real. It's never settling to see this
I miss my baby, and even though my heart is broken I know I will be with her again one day.
Thank you Kristen for this scripture.
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are
crushed."
Happy one month in heaven my beautiful Kyndal Grace.
One month ago today we said hello, and then goodbye to our angel baby. Today has actually been a good day. I went on a shopping trip with the church girls, (window shopping) it was nice to keep my mind occupied on a day like today.
Kristen and I were talking an the way home, and I was telling her about praying for Kyndal, and all the babies in our church. I always prayed for the Lord to have His way in their lives and to use them for HIS glory. I truly believe He answered my prayers for Kyndal. As bad as I want her here with me, I think she had a greater purpose, she fulfilled it and is waiting on the seeds that were planted to grow with the help of the people who's lives she impacted.
When my heart is breaking, You're still worthy.
Hallelujah,
It is well with my soul, YOU are in control.
Through sorrow and pain, victory or blessing, persecution, prosperity, I'll be praising you
I didn't make this video so please ignore the intro stuff.
"I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him."
I'm with my best friend right now making roman shades for her living room (they look awesome btw) and I wanted to listen to all the lyrics to "Glory Baby" by Watermark. I started crying after I typed it into YouTube, seeing all the children who have passed away. I wanted to read about Nathan and Christy Nockels of Waternark. I heard years ago that she had lost a baby, and I wanted to know her story. I ran across this article.
"When Christy Nockels faced the pain of multiple miscarriages, it gave birth to a deeper trust in God.
Modern worship leader Christy Nockels knows what it feels like to lose something precious, and she knows what it's like to have God show up in the midst of that loss. After three-and-a-half years of marriage, Christy and her husband, Nathan, who lead worship and perform as Watermark, discovered they were expecting their first child. It was 1999, and the young couple was over-the-top excited.
'It was a really neat surprise for us,' Christy says. 'I remember that year we were at the Passion conference in Ft. Worth, Texas. My parents had come to the conference to volunteer, so I made up a gift basket for my mom with some obvious 'Grandma' stuff in it, and that's how I told them."
Just a few days later, Christy lost that baby. She was 24 years old, and the miscarriage was scary and painful. The doctor seemed insensitive, Nathan wasn't able to be there at first, her body hurt, and her heart hurt even more.
"When I told my mom, she just cried with me," Christy says. "I think that is the most helpful thing sometimes, just to hurt with someone."
Later that same year, Christy got pregnant again and lost a second baby.
"When I went in to have an ultrasound that day, I remember sitting in the head nurse's office," she shares. "I knew in my heart that something wasn't right, but I was at peace for some reason. I looked over on the wall and saw this tiny canvas painted pink, with a little dried rose stuck on it. It said, 'Be still and know that I am God.' God can speak to our hearts through anything, and that was a huge source of comfort for me."
Friends and family rallied around the couple, and through the losses, God put a song on Christy's heart. She wrote "Glory Baby," and it was recorded on Watermark's All Things New album. The song touched women around the world and became a source of healing for many who have lost children. Christy and Nathan's losses opened doors of ministry, and the suffering actually drew Christy into deeper relationship with God and with Nathan.
"As Nathan and I began our healing process, this song began to pour out of us, and it was one of the most precious times in our marriage," Christy says. "This loss was when Nathan and I really became more 'emotionally married.' We became a better team. We cried together, we held each other more, and we realized the things that mattered most in life.
Christy says the miscarriages were also a wake-up call for her in the area of control. She realized that she needed to relinquish her plan for motherhood to God's timing. She did, and during the couple's first week of recording All Things New, Christy found out she was pregnant for the third time.
"I was by myself when I found out, which was really actually special for me. I ended up having a really neat prayer time with the Lord. I remember crying my eyes out and telling the Lord that if he chose to take this baby, too, that I would be okay with that because I had already been able to see that it was used for his glory."
Today, son Noah is five years old, and Christy recently made the difficult decision to put recording and performing as Watermark aside to spend more time with Noah and his three-year-old sister, Ellie, and to minister and mentor young women through tough times in their lives.
"Our losses give us a clear picture of how God uses sorrow," Christy says. "He allows things to crush us sometimes; he gives and he takes away. It is through those times that we see a side of his love and compassion that we might not have ever seen before."
I want this to be the story of my loss. I want Kyndal's passing to bring comfort to someone else.
I called the hospital, to see if I could be contacted if any mother or family that was going through the same situation needed someone to lean on. The nurse sounded so excited, and told me she would talk to the charge nurse and get back to me. Pray that she calls me back, and has good news for me. I want to be able to let someone else know, they're going to make it through, it's hard and I'm still working on it, but it is possible, no matter how hopeless you feel.
Kyndal, Clinton, John, Erica and all the other babies in heaven are being held tight. They know we love them and they are waiting on us to join them and hold them again one day.
Some days are yellow.
Some are blue. On different days I'm different
too. You'd be surprised how many ways I change on Different Colored
Days. On Bright Red Days how good it feels to be a horse and kick my
heels! On other days I'm other things. On Bright Blue Days I flap my
wings. Some days, of course, feel sort ofBrown. Then I feel slow and low,
low down. Then comes a Yellow Day and Wheeee I am a busy, buzzy
bee. GrayDay....Everything is gray. I watch. But nothing moves
today. Then all of a sudden I'm a circus seal! On my Orange Days that's how I
feel. Green Days. Deep deep in the sea. Cool and quite fish. That's me. On
Purple Days I'm sad. I groan. I drag my tail. I walk alone. But when my days
are Happy Pink it's great to jump and just not think. Then come my Black
Days. MAD. And loud. I howl. I growl at every cloud. Then comes a Mixed-Up
Day. And WHAM! I don't know who or what I am! But it all turns out all right,
you see. And I go back to being...me.
My good friend Kristen gave me a copy of this book on a piece of paper, I read it and I thought "man, this is so true." Everyday is different right now, mixed up emotions. Today has been a mixed-up day. One minute I'm one thing and the next I'm another. I definitely feel purple mostly.
Caylee and I were on the way to church and I just started sobbing, Caylee yelled at me "Mommy! Turn around!"
I told her I couldn't of course, and she says "Awe, Mommy cryin'"
I said "Mommy's okay baby, she just misses baby Kyndal"
Caylee then says "Mommy, baby Kyndal with Jesus."
I'm so glad she understands and she can be a comfort to me in this situation. It may be bad that I am leaning on her for comfort at times, but she is a big huge part of my sanity. Love on your babies. I know I'm loving on mine, there is just one I'm having to love from a distance.
I made this sticky bun breakfast ring for breakfast. I followed the recipe like she says to do it, not like the pictures look. I only used ONE can of biscuits, she says she used two in the pictures but that she would just do one from now on. So this is what they're suppose to look like. ;) They were good, quick and easy. I will definitely keep this recipe on hand.
Before baking
After baking
After flipping
I am going to a M.E.N.D. meeting tonight. I'm excited about it. I'm not sure how it will go, but I am hoping to meet some people who can relate to me, in this area of my life.
And now for a random picture of Caylee, are you ready?
Don't mind my hair, I just got out of the bath and I was heading to bed -Caylee
Don't judge me for putting up this picture, she's not even using the potty (as you can tell by the closed lid). Who knows who she was trying to act like here.
This book isn't really sitting on MY table waiting for ME to read it, is it?
(Books like this should never say "National Best Seller" at the top.)
I keep asking God to wake me up from this horrible nightmare, but the days just keep passing. It's just so hard to believe that I am the mother of an angel baby. I keep telling Caylee she's my angel on earth and Kyndal us my angel in heaven.
The days seem to be getting better. I had a great day yesterday, everytime Kyndal came to my mind all I could do was smile. I know she's in a better place, it's just hard to imagine why she's there instead of here.
I let Caylee paint a picture to go in our room, Here's a preview of her fun.
When I get some other pretties hung up next to the picture, I will post the fisished product. She had a blast, She eventually had paint all over her legs lol.
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose"
So yummy, and good for you! (If you don't devour the whole recipe, like I did).
My life, One minute you're up, one minute you're down. I may try to go to a M.E.N.D. (Mothers Enduring Neonatal Death) meeting this coming Tuesday night. Buddy thinks I'm crazy, but it's not counseling, it's a support group. I really want to meet other moms who have gone through this. Maybe we can help each other. I might be crazy... who knows. LOL.
I started reading "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" I have to take it a little at a time. There was a part I got to that really struck a chord with me. It talked about after your baby is born you look forward to all the milestones you would hit, things you would do with them, you focus on the future. With the baby you loose, you will never get to experience those times in their lives or your lives. That is something I have to remember, stop focusing on what will never be, and remember where she is. She is waiting for us in heaven, getting loved on by angels and the Lord. Now I have to focus on MY future. What I am going to do with this, I have to focus on Caylee, my husband, future children. Kyndal will always be my baby and a huge part of our lives, even though she only stayed a short time. I have memories with her, though they are few they're still memories I will forever cherish.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
Jeremiah 29:11
It is from THIS recipe I found on Pinterest thanks to Jessica King! ;)
I really liked it. It should definetly be a must try in any house hold. It's easy to make and you can just let it sit. I will say, it is very messy, kind of like sloppy joe's. We ate it on Loaf bread from H.E.B. If you think of any other ways to eat it, please let me know.
Now go turn your crock pot on, you know you want to!
A great big THANK YOU to BOTB!
You are all awesome! I seriously would not have made the above meal if I would have known this was coming in today! I can't wait to try it out.
I mean, look at all this food. I was so excited when I saw it on the front porch. Ladies, I love you all and I appreciate everything, listening to me gripe, whine, and post the dumbest things you have ever seen.
Today has been a roller coaster. We're staying in tonight. I'm *kind of* excited about trick or treaters, another part of me is wondering how I'm going to react to kids coming to my door. I'm sure Caylee will all kinds of love it!
Last night we had our Fall Festival at the church. It was really fun. Everyone was amazing. Caylee really enjoyed the puppet show (who am I kidding, so did I) and she even got her face painted. There were a few babies there that made me sad. Kyndal would be very close to their age. I wanted to grab them and love all over them, but I knew that would just make it worse. I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas without my baby.
On a side note, I plan on making a recipe from Pinterest tonight! I will post how it comes out and a link to it once it's been devoured.
Here's a picture of Caylee when we got home from the fall fest.
Yes, the girls gave her a very high side ponytail, and she would NOT move her drink away from her face for a good picture. She still looks adorable.
Oh, how I hated being pregnant. I hated how I felt, how I looked, just everything. Being pregnant with Kyndal was somehow a little different than my pregnancy with Caylee. Kyndal kept my face clear, I was working while I was pregnant with Caylee so being home and pregnant with Kyndal was a lot more relaxing. I really tried hard to enjoy being pregnant, but I was so ready to meet her. I wish I could turn back the clock, start from the beginning. Go back to the innocence of not knowing, or having the feeling of complete security while being pregnant. I don't have many pictures of me while I was pregnant either time, but I will forever cherish the ones I have.
This was at Amanda's wedding when I was 7 months pregnant. I loved that she asked me to be her Maid of Honour, even though I was rather large at this point.
This was taken by my mom about a week before my world was turned upside down. I love that I have a big goofy smile on my face, (I'm sure Caylee was doing something crazy) I love how content I was in this picture, just *knowing* I was going to meet her soon. I hate how big my nose looks and the fact that this is one of the only good pictures I have of my life with Kyndal.
Today, I miss my baby, I miss her kicks, I miss rubbing her, telling her that I love her, and following her all around my belly. Oh, what I would give to be pregnant with her again.
"Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee;
and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee"
After eveything happened. I spoke with my Bradley instructor to see if I could e-mail the girls, and tell them about my natural birth. She wanted to know if I would like to meet with them, because some of them wanted to talk. So, we set it up. I'm excited, and nervous at the same time. A room full of pregnant ladies, with cute little inside babies. I don't know how I'm going to respond to seeing them. They are so wonderful for wanting to see me and talk to me. Pray it goes well, and I can get throught everything without freaking them out...
Today has been a good day. When I first woke up I didn't want to get out of bed, but I did it, slowly but surely. I left Caylee laying there, peacefully. When I walked into the living room I found grandma rocking in the rocking chair with the window open, she was reading her bible. It was such a peaceful thing to walk in on. I love spending time with grandma, talking or just sitting around. Kristen came over and cooked an amazing lunch, and stayed and talked for a long time. Buddy's mom came over and cleaned my floors and bathrooms. Needless to say, with her cleaning, everything feels amazing! :)
Caylee cuddled up to grandma and took a nap, (3 hours) apparently, she loves her grandma too! The day went on without much activity, until mom got here. Amanda S. showed up and cooked an awesome dinner. I think I'm getting spoiled.
Kyndal has been in my thoughts all day. I looked at my best friends wedding pictures today, and I wanted to cry. I was 7 months pregnant with Kyndal when she got married. I will always cherish the pictures I have of her inside. Amanda doesn't even know how much more it means to me, that I got to be a part of her wedding while I was pregnant with my Kyndal. My baby girl is loved by many, but I don't think anyone will ever miss her as much as I do.
"And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me."
Today, mom, Caylee and I went to the cemetery to see Kyndal, Clinton, Erica, and John. Kyndal is buried next to my cousin Clinton and Erica and John are my brother and sister that passed shortly after they were born. We took them all flowers in pots. Caylee really enjoyed putting them on the headstones. It was unreal seeing a fresh grave and knowing MY baby was buried there. Buddy kept telling me how bad he wished he was home, to go with us. It was hard going, but harder to leave. I know her body is just buried there and her soul is in heaven, but knowing that the last part of her I had was buried in the ground broke my heart.
Today isn't even halfway over, and it's already a sad one. We had church this morning, which was awesome, but it was sad that it was my first time in sunday school with all the kids, not pregnant and not with my baby. I kept looking down at my empty stomach. I imagined in so many practices, my first service with out an inside baby would mean, I finally had my outside baby. Kyndal was there with me this morning though, I just know it. My my arms are empty without my baby girl here, but, Oh, how He loves me, how He loves me so... I have to remember how this was all for a reason, and He loves me, even through this.
Next time will be better, it will become normal without her here, but I will always miss her, I will always remember the days she was with me. Lord, continue to show me how much You love me.
-Ruthy
Buddy left for work. It shook my world a little bit. It was hard to go from being with him every second, to him being so far and so busy I only get random texts and a few calls. I miss him, but I am so thankful he will only be gone until Thurday night.
I also came home to the most amazing gifts. The girls from BOTB, got together got caylee the cutest little bear (that she is IN LOVE with). For me, they got something I will forever cherish.
I bawled like a baby when I opened these boxes. The inscription says "The Lord called me from the womb, from the body of my mother He named my name, Kyndal Grace-October 12, 2011". It is too beautiful for words. I have no idea how to thank these ladies enough. Love you girls. You have all been there for me, and so supportive, you are all awesome.
I've decided that I am going to take at least one new picture of Caylee a day. About a year ago, I completely stopped taking pictures. I don't know why, it just happened. Today, that all changes.
These are just a few of the new items added to our etsy shop for Kyndal's playground. These are my favorite things. There are items added, that were meant just for Kyndal. I can't wait to see some other beautiful babies with them on. They will not be duplicated and will always be one of a kind. If you purchase any items from our shop, I would love to see pictures of you or you little ones in them, and I would love to show them off on our blog. Kyndal is so special to me and I want to always remember how many lives/hearts she has touched. Visit our Etsy shop just to browse.
Jessica came over Monday night and we had a long talk about everything. She is like a second sister to me. Healing is a process, but I feel like talking to her helped. After she left, Buddy and I talked. It was nice to hear what he was feeling too. I have so many questions, some that will never be answered. I have to try to push those questions aside. The funny thing is, I haven't questioned God's plan in this. I know he has plans for our lives, and he will have his way in this. I'm praying that I will see every little thing that comes out of Kyndals short life. She is so special to me, and I don't know what I would do without her.
Caylee, oh Caylee. She is a mess. I thought it was going to be so hard to get her back to her good girl self, but it has been, oddly, easy. I have become a different person through this in more than one way. I am so different about how I dicipline. I don't get as aggravated, and I don't raise my voice. I feel like Michelle Dugger lol. Buddy thinks I'm crazy but it seems to be working. When Caylee asks me to do something, instead of being lazy, I get up and go play with her, color, or whatever she wants, and when I'm tired and don't want to go, she is more understanding. I love her and I don't ever want to take her for granted. I want to shake these parents that are so mean to their children/ungrateful for them. I want to tell them to count their blessings. I know I will have another little blessing one day, but for now I have one here on earth to raise, and one amazing healing angel in heaven that is laughing with all the other babies that were called home, to that place we all want to be some day.
Today, we buried my baby girl. We had to wait for her seal to come in before she was laid to rest. It was hard to say goodbye again, but she is in a better place. I have my selfish moments, where I wish she wasn't taken so soon, but I know she is singing and playing in heaven and she will forever be happy. My life has been forever changed by Kyndal Grace, and I hope she can change other lives as well.
Buddy and I are doing good, we both have our moments. He has seriously been so strong for me, and he's been putting up with more than he should have to. My body has been through a lot, not only did I have a baby less than a week ago, I have a cold that I can't shake. I feel like I constantly want to sleep.
On another note. I have been pumping so I can donate my milk to someone in need. I contacted milkbank.org and I have also been posting on "Eats on Feets: Texas". I haven't found anyone yet. If you know of anyone, send them my way. I'm not sure how long I will pump, but I want to donate what I can.
Kyndals Playground has also had some donations. I will be working on some more items to add to the store so there will be more options to choose from. If you have any suggestions, feel free to contact me. I love making new things. I hope you are having a wonderful Tuesday.
When we were trying to decide what to do in memory of Kyndal, we decided that a playground at our church, in her memory would be so special to not only us but to the children of our church.
In lieu of flowers we asked that donations would be made to the plaground fund. I have no idea how much was collected, I haven't had the courage to ask my wonderful pastor yet.
I spoke with my mother in law this morning, and she is bound and determined to do whatever it takes to get the playground set up by summer 2012. It was so refreshing to know that I'm not the only one that wants to see this fulfilled.
I converted my etsy page to a donation page for Kyndals playground. I will slowly add things as I go through her stuff. I made Kyndal tons of headbands, burp cloths and paci clips. I plan on selling the items I made for her, along with new items in her memory. If you would like to contribute and get something cute for your little one, visit her shop. :)
Since I last held my baby. Five since I was last content and fully happy, no tears in sight, or so I thought. I don't know that I will ever have that day that I don't shed a tear for my baby who is happy in heaven. I thought of her today dressed in her sunday best watching over me in church. Smiling at me, as if she was telling me she was there and she was happy.
I'm still having a hard time recognizing this hole in my heart. I am trying to fill it with the Lord. It's so hard to deal with this. I feel like the biggest basket case.
I know my life will never be the same, but I can't face that. How can your life not ever be the same? Poor Caylee, I know she knows something is different. She keeps hugging me and telling me "wove ou mommy." she will randomly grab my face or hand and kiss it. She is so incredible. I just wish she had her sister to play with like the plan was all along...
I went in for a routine weekly visit with my midwife on October 11, 2011. I was due on the 15th so I was a little over 39 weeks pregnant. When I got to my midwives house I weighed, got measured, etc. I laid down so we could listen to Kyndals heartbeat, she put the monitor on me and we listened... nothing. I got on my hands and knees, and we still couldn't find anything. I hadn't felt her move all day, and the more I thought about it, I hadn't felt much movement the day before. My midwife got me into her car and rushed me to the hospital. When we got there we were taken up to a L&D room and I was told to get in the bed. They put a monitor on the baby and we still couldn't find it. So they called in a tech. She turned the screen out of my sight and searched. Everyone could see but me, I was so nervous. She was so cold when I heard those words come out of her mouth "does the doctor need anything signed by me?" I can still hear her over and over. I lost it. I lost my mind. What was I going to do? How was I going to make it? My life felt over. I prayed with Buddy, my pastor and his wife. They walked me to the L&D room at the furthest end of that area so I wouldn't have to hear any babies. They took forever, we found out her heart had stopped beating at 12:15pm and they started the cervidril at about 1pm. I had nothing going on so we were starting from scratch. 4 hours and light contrations later, they checked me, I was at a 2 but still thick. They gave me another cervidril. 4 hours later they checked me again. My cervix was thin enough for them, finally, and I was still at a 2. They started pitocin at 9pm. My contractions weren't too bad.
My family came in from everywhere once they heard the news. They kept me company throughout the night. Every two hours the nurses checked me and I had progressed a cm each time until I hit a 6. By this time it was 5am and I was exhausted, So I tried to sleep. I slept for an hour an a half, even though my contrations were picking up. They checked me again at 7am I was still a 6 but my cervix was fully thinned so they broke my water. I went fast from there, but it was a lot harder to labor through it. My aunt was in there coaching me along with my sister and DH. My sister rubbed my back, and DH held my hand. At about 8 am I started hurting bad. I couldn't breathe through my contractions like I was told to. I was writhing all over the bed and saying "I can't do this", the nurse grabbed my hands and said "look at me, in 2-3, out 2-3-4" over and over through each contraction. That is honestly what got me through. I found my focus in her face and breathed. My aunt took over. They were both awesome. DH was a rock through it all. They checked me again and I was at an 8. I was so frustrated because I felt like I had labored forever with no progress, but I had gone 2 cms in one hour. This continued for another hour, They started getting everything ready. I started feeling the urge to push. I never understood that term, until then. It felt so good to push, like I was almost there. I pushed for a little while, then I felt her head crown. It was still so good to push, her head didn't bother me too bad. I got her head halfway out and my contraction ended, I had to wait. I remember telling the DR. "that hurts". I got her head out and was thinking "oh wow, much better." Then came her shoulders. I was in for a surprise. That was honestly the hardest part. I had no tearing, I truely believe it was becasue I had full control of my body. Kyndal Grace came into this world at 10:12 am on 10/12/2011. Once she was out, it was kind of bittersweet. I didn't know what to think, This is the first and last time I would ever hold my baby girl that I had carried and protected for 9 months, that I felt loving on me, that I had cherished, and waited for and loved every kick and punch from, even if it did hurt. She was to become a part of our everyday lives, she was going to be Caylees little sister, that I could watch them grow up together and fight with each other and love on each other. How was I supposed to be okay with this?
My doctor said "wow" I asked her what was going on. She was hesitant to tell me that Kyndal Grace had managed to wrap her umbilical chord around her neck 3 times. Such an active little girl. I had heard how active she was from the beginning when my MW had chased her around my stomach to find her heartbeat. DH broke down, he is such a rock. Strong, kind, encouraging. He has impressed me throughout this whole process. We have bothe been in disbelief. We waited for my placenta and once the doctor had it she examined it. She found that Kyndal had also tied a knot in her umbilical chord. Wow. It still shocks me. They cleaned my baby girl up they let me change out of my hospital gown and into a decent shirt and the photographer came in. She was amazing. DH couldn't stay and hold her. He was afraid of what it would do to him. I don't blame him, I didn't know if I could do it. They wrapped her up and put her in a beautiful hat that my friend picked up for me, and they handed her to me. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, to hold my baby knowing I would never see her breathe, never hear her cry, nerver see her smile. She was so beautiful. She reminded me so much of her big sister. She was perfect in every way. I looked at her from head to toe and soaked every inch of her in, I etched her into my memory forever. I let my pastor and my amazing uncle come in and pray for me, they held her and told her how much they loved her. I spent a little more time with her, and then let her grand parents in. Her great grandma held her first, she was so upset but she just glowed with my baby girl in her arms. My mom took her next and then my mother in law. They were so sad and they love her so much. When they were done I let all my family and friends come in and say goodbye to her. The photographer stayed in for so long. I held her and held her, I needed my husband. I needed to see him and hug him and I needed my first baby girl. I handed Kyndal to the nurse with a promise I would see her again. I loved on my husband and my Caylee for a little while and then I went to the L&D room across the hall.
My mom had Kyndal in there and loved on her while I was loving on my husband. The funeral director was on his way to get her. I held her until he got there. I couldn't let her go. I kissed her head and told her how much I love her. I told the funeral guy he was going to have to take her because I couldn't give her up. I leaned on the fact that I would see her 2 days later at the viewing. He took her and I had empty arms. I went back to my room and got DH back in there. My sister kept Caylee so we could rest. We laid down and slept for a few hours. They let me go home at 5:30pm. It didn't come fast enough after Kyndal left my arms. It has been a crazy roller coaster since she left. She will always be in our hearts. I'm thankful that she will never have to face the hardships of this world, and that she has brought so much healing to our lives. I love my angel in heaven, and I can't wait to hold her again one day, and see that beautiful smile on her precious little face.
