Sunday, October 16, 2011

Today it's been four days...

Since I last held my baby.  Five since I was last content and fully happy, no tears in sight, or so I thought.  I don't know that I will ever have that day that I don't shed a tear for my baby who is happy in heaven.  I thought of her today dressed in her sunday best watching over me in church.  Smiling at me, as if she was telling me she was there and she was happy. 

I'm still having a hard time recognizing this hole in my heart.  I am trying to fill it with the Lord.  It's so hard to deal with this.  I feel like the biggest basket case. 

I know my life will never be the same, but I can't face that.  How can your life not ever be the same? Poor Caylee, I know she knows something is different.  She keeps hugging me and telling me "wove ou mommy." she will randomly grab my face or hand and kiss it.  She is so incredible.  I just wish she had her sister to play with like the plan was all along...


  1. You don't know me, but I lurk on BOTB and have followed your story. I'm so terribly sorry for what you are going through.

    I wanted to tell you about another Christian woman who had a little girl a few years ago named Audrey who was born sleeping. Her husband is the lead singer of the band Selah, if you've heard of them. Her name is Angie Smith and she wrote a book about what she went through. Her book is called "I Will Carry You" and here's a link to her blog:

    If you decide to read her story, I hope that it might bring you some comfort, or at least let you know you're not alone in how you're feeling right now. Big ((hugs)).

  2. Thank you so much for this link. :)