Thursday, October 10, 2013

Another year has passed...

My poor neglected blog.

Most of you know what is going on with us, so I will skip to why I came here today.

I remember sitting on the couch TWO years ago, watching Dexter with my husband, but honestly, watching the time more than the show.  I was wondering why my baby wasn't moving as much as she normally did, she was always such a squirmy baby. I swear I looked at the clock at least every 5 minutes, rubbing my large belly. 

45 minutes passed, nothing. 55 minutes and there it was, slight movement. I was semi-relieved, but still not convinced. I shook it off, and we went to bed.  The next morning, I just chalked it up to her getting too big, and went about my day.  At some point, I sat down on the couch to take a breather and felt three little thuds.  I smiled and rubbed.

The rest of the day, I ignored the stillness. I enjoyed my Caylee and thought about how any day, there would be a tiny baby to snuggle and watch my little baby lover, Caylee interact with.

My last day of a peaceful tragedy-less life.

When I woke up the next morning, I got in my car, alone, and drove to the Midwives house. It was her day at home, but she said she would see me there.  I called my closest friend, and we chatted. While talking I casually mentioned, realizing myself, that I hadn't felt any movement.  I pulled into the driveway, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.

I went in, we talked, I weighed, and laid down on a bed. She measured my round 38 week belly and got the Doppler out.  As I laid there, still, she searched and searched for her heartbeat. Convinced the Doppler had to be faulty, she looked for batteries and/or another Doppler. I was on my hands and knees trying to get some kind of movement, and trying not to freak out.  When she came back, we tried again. 

That was the day my life changed. 10/11/11.  I will never forget laying in the hospital, while getting an ultrasound and being told "there is no heartbeat."  I'm sure my screamed terrified some poor mother delivering her baby that day, but I was in another place.

I've come a long way since then.  Finding myself, and learning to stand up for myself.  I'm no where near perfect, but I like who I am.  I have a long way to go, and someday I will get there, but for now, my focus is my family.  The ones here and the ones gone.  We will celebrate and mourn for a few days, but one day it won't be so hard.

My little sunshine and rainbow will help me celebrate.  It's Lane's first time to celebrate his sister he will never know. So bitter sweet.

I will forever cherish these terrible pictures, because they were some of the last before my world was shaken. That was me then.
This is us now. Minus one.
Well, I believe she's there, you just can't see her. ;)
One day. One sweet, sweet day.
I love you baby girl.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

What a year...

I don't even know where to begin. Today is a day I have been dreading with every ounce of me, I am not ready for tomorrow either. 
A lot has changed in a year.  I turned 25,  (even though I feel 35) Caylee turned 3, I made it a whole year without my baby, you know, normal things... *sigh* normal for me.  A few days ago, I couldn't stop thinking about what I was doing that same day the year before.  What I could have done to change the outcome of my life, of Kyndal's life.  She could still be here if I would have made a few different choices, gone to the hospital when I noticed slow movement.  What I would give to change that, what I would give to have her back.  Today, I keep remembering everything that happened through out the day.  What it felt like to be in Toni's car on the way to the hospital.  What anguish I felt laying in that hospital bed hoping, praying that she would just kick me, only to learn that she was gone, no heartbeat.  Screaming because I could feel my heart breaking into pieces.  Seeing the pain on my sweet husbands face.  Making the decision to be induced, even though I didn't want to be there one more second.  Laying in that bed, trying to be strong, surrounded by people, trying to cry silently, knowing that my baby was dead, knowing that I was laboring, only to have the only outcome I never expected, an outcome I NEVER wanted. 
I don't want to face tomorrow.  I don't want to celebrate my baby's birthday with out her here.  We should be planning a birthday party, instead of cleaning Kyndal's grave. 
This year has been the hardest year of my life.  Learning to live again, learning to love the new way that I do, trying to find myself again.  I haven't been good at anything.  I don't know who I am, I'm learning, RE-learning so many things. 
Today, I kept myself busy, and when it was almost over, I walked outside after a storm, to this...
Thank you baby, for reminding me that there is always a rainbow after a terrible storm.  I couldn't help but think that even though you won't ever be here with me again, that you are just like that second rainbow in this picture, even though it's hard to see sometimes, you are there, watching over us, surrounding our lives.  I know my rainbow is coming, but nothing will ever take your place in my heart. A piece of me will always be with you.
What a year this has been. 

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Who am I?

This is a question I've been asking myself for a while now.  Who am I?  I have no idea who this person who stares back at me in a mirror is.  I know a few things about myself, a few things I don't want to change right now.

I know that I am that mother that lets her almost 3 year old decide when it's bedtime.  We use to have a very strict rule, bedtime was set, that was it, no questions asked.  Now, I cling to the moments I get to hear her talk to me, I get to hear her tell me she's "Princess Ariel" as she dresses up in pretty little dresses.

I'm also that mother that enjoys the bedtime snuggles.  I will cherish them until I'm no longer wanted next to her, or she's "too old for that mom".  I don't care what you think of me,  my almost 3 year old sleeps in my bed.  I love to fall asleep listening to her breathing, scared to death that I won't hear it again tomorrow. 

I'm that person who doesn't know how she will react to someones kind or not so kind words.  I may laugh hysterically or you may drive me to the bathroom in tears.  I guess it just depends on how I woke up that morning. 

I'm that person that would rather sit on my butt an listen to my kid play or talk, than clean up the mess in the other room, or even the one she's making then.  My house isn't clean, and I don't care.

I've turned into that mother that I don't like. Letting my child get away with things that I normally would have never overlooked. 

I have turned into a person I don't recognize.  I have about 10 different personalities.  Spend enough time around me and you might catch a glimpse of them.

Some days, I feel like a terrible person, filled with grief, sadness, anger, bitterness, you name it.  Other days, I feel like a ray of sunshine and I want to be best friends with the world.  Watch out though, these moods can change in an instant.

So no, I don't know who I am.  All I know is that, I am still grieving a child that I lost, I also suffered a miscarriage that set me back a few steps, but I have a beautiful daughter and loving husband to rescue me when I'm sad, to lift my spirits when down.  I should have another little smiling face to add to my pictures, but I don't.  All I have to show for 9 months of sickness and love kicks, are memories and pictures.  Things that I dearly cherish, and will forever, but it will never be the same as having another pair of sweet little arms to wrap around your neck, another set of lips to kiss everyday another life to tell you love.

I will never be the same person I use to be, I think that when you lay a child to rest, a piece of you stays there, with that infant, toddler, teenager or grown adult, forever.  Until I feel something different, this is my philosophy. 

Don't feel sorry for me.  I'm only one of many.  Just know that I am not alone.  There are others around you that I'm sure have lost a child of their own.  Let them talk to you, let them be "themselves" around you, and please, let them talk about their child without feeling uncomfortable.  There is no "your child was/your child could have been/forever gone/etc. etc."  These lives are still here, in our hearts, forever.  Kyndal Grace will forever be a part of my life.  I'm trying to figure myself out, just like many others.  For now, I don't know who I am, and that's okay with me.

Mold me and make me who I will become.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Hurt & The Healer

I'm alive, even though a part of me has died... take my heart and breathe it back to life...

This song really hit home. 

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Wow, It's been a while...

I've been on a crazy roller coaster of emotions lately.  One minute, everything is fine, the next, it's the end of the world.  Of course, Kyndal's 4 month anniversary, my birthday, the day I found out I was pregnant with Kyndal last year, and a new surprise. 

The whole week (12th-18th) was not the most pleasant time.

Kyndal was suppose to be 4 months old on the 12th.  Wow, 4 months.  It feels like yesterday, and an eternity all mixed into one.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about her or miss her, but it's an easier kind of miss. I think I'm finally understanding life without her.  I'm making it the new normal, but I would change it in an instant if I could.

My husband took me out on valentines day, which was very nice, AND, I got some gorgeous flowers.

Beautiful Flowers (and truffles)

My "CHEESE" girl
The 16th, was of course, my 25th birthday.  My mom, sisters family and cousins went out to eat with me.  We had a good time, but of course, I was sad.

The 17th... that day, was very bittersweet...

I'm still in shock.  Today is the first day I haven't taken a test to make sure I'm "still pregnant"

My first ultrasound is scheduled for March 14th and it can't get here soon enough.  I begged my OB to draw my HCG levels and everything is looking good.

The 18th, of 2011, I got this shocking news...

The news that has forever changed me as a person and a mother.  The last pregnancy I will ever enjoy, and like to talk about.  I know this pregnancy will be stressful on me and I'm sure on my husband, but I feel like, without this, part of my healing will not be complete. 

Please bear with me if I don't like to talk about being pregnant.  
I'm trying to push through this.

This has been a crazy, sad, wonderful, beautiful month.  I just hope this year is better than the last.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

It gets better...

But then, it gets worse all over again. 

You think you're invincible, nothing can trigger your emotions.  Then you're knocked clear across the room and you don't even know how you got there.  How can you be so happy for people, but so sad for yourself at the same time? 

These emotions are not something you really know until you've gone through this or something similar.  I don't even know if losing a loved one that's NOT a child of your own can compare.  I hope I don't have to find that out. 

 I'm not happy being here, but I don't want to be any lower than this.  When you've hit, what you think is rock bottom, there's no place to go but up, right?
There are times, I wish I knew the future.  Maybe that would make things easier.  But, who knows, it might make it worse. 

Where do you go in your life, when you feel like there's nothing to look forward to?  I guess only time will tell.  All I know is, a piece of me is missing.  I'm struggling to fine that do you find it when it's know where to be found?  Do I just let it sit there? That hole in me? Time will heal it I guess.  Can I have a fast-forward button please?  I'm tired of sitting here.  Who knows, maybe I'm marinating for something greater.  So many possible things could be happening with me.... all I know is that a big part of me is gone, and I will only see it again the day I'm called home to be with her.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Thank you Ryan Gosling

I was on Joy's Hope last night, (she is absolutely amazing.  Her story is a lot like mine, go check her out) when I saw some of these.

Oh Ryan, you know me all too well.

I can't stop giggling.  One will be used as a screen saver.