Monday, October 31, 2011


Today has been a roller coaster.  We're staying in tonight.  I'm *kind of* excited about trick or treaters, another part of me is wondering how I'm going to react to kids coming to my door.  I'm sure Caylee will all kinds of love it!

Last night we had our Fall Festival at the church.  It was really fun.  Everyone was amazing.  Caylee really enjoyed the puppet show (who am I kidding, so did I) and she even got her face painted.  There were a few babies there that made me sad.  Kyndal would be very close to their age. I wanted to grab them and love all over them, but I knew that would just make it worse.  I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas without my baby. 

On a side note, I plan on making a recipe from Pinterest tonight! I will post how it comes out and a link to it once it's been devoured. 

Here's a picture of Caylee when we got home from the fall fest.
Yes, the girls gave her a very high side ponytail, and she would NOT move her drink away from her face for a good picture.  She still looks adorable.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Being Pregnant

Oh, how I hated being pregnant.  I hated how I felt, how I looked, just everything.  Being pregnant with Kyndal was somehow a little different than my pregnancy with Caylee.  Kyndal kept my face clear, I was working while I was pregnant with Caylee so being home and pregnant with Kyndal was a lot more relaxing.  I really tried hard to enjoy being pregnant, but I was so ready to meet her.  I wish I could turn back the clock, start from the beginning.  Go back to the innocence of not knowing, or having the feeling of complete security while being pregnant.  I don't have many pictures of me while I was pregnant either time, but I will forever cherish the ones I have.  

This was at Amanda's wedding when I was 7 months pregnant.  I loved that she asked me to be her Maid of Honour, even though I was rather large at this point.   

This was taken by my mom about a week before my world was turned upside down.  I love that I have a big goofy smile on my face, (I'm sure Caylee was doing something crazy) I love how content I was in this picture, just *knowing* I was going to meet her soon. I hate how big my nose looks and the fact that this is one of the only good pictures I have of my life with Kyndal.

Today, I miss my baby, I miss her kicks, I miss rubbing her, telling her that I love her, and following her all around my belly.  Oh, what I would give to be pregnant with her again.

"Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee;
and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee"
Jeremiah 1:5

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Tonight, I see the Bradley girls.

After eveything happened.  I spoke with my Bradley instructor to see if I could e-mail the girls, and tell them about my natural birth.  She wanted to know if I would like to meet with them, because some of them wanted to talk.  So, we set it up.  I'm excited, and nervous at the same time.  A room full of pregnant ladies, with cute little inside babies.  I don't know how I'm going to respond to seeing them.  They are so wonderful for wanting to see me and talk to me.  Pray it goes well, and I can get throught everything without freaking them out...

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Finding the Good

Today has been a good day.  When I first woke up I didn't want to get out of bed, but I did it, slowly but surely.  I left Caylee laying there, peacefully.  When I walked into the living room I found grandma rocking in the rocking chair with the window open, she was reading her bible.  It was such a peaceful thing to walk in on.  I love spending time with grandma, talking or just sitting around.  Kristen came over and cooked an amazing lunch, and stayed and talked for a long time.  Buddy's mom came over and cleaned my floors and bathrooms.  Needless to say, with her cleaning, everything feels amazing! :)

Caylee cuddled up to grandma and took a nap, (3 hours) apparently, she loves her grandma too! The day went on without much activity, until mom got here. Amanda S. showed up and cooked an awesome dinner.  I think I'm getting spoiled. 

Kyndal has been in my thoughts all day.  I looked at my best friends wedding pictures today, and I wanted to cry. I was 7 months pregnant with Kyndal when she got married.  I will always cherish the pictures I have of her inside.  Amanda doesn't even know how much more it means to me, that I got to be a part of her wedding while I was pregnant with my Kyndal. My baby girl is loved by many, but I don't think anyone will ever miss her as much as I do. 

"And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me." 
 Psalms 50:15

Monday, October 24, 2011

Tiny Footprints

Kyndal's footprints.  They're so little.  I could just look at them all day. 

Grave Site

Today, mom, Caylee and I went to the cemetery to see Kyndal, Clinton, Erica, and John. Kyndal is buried next to my cousin Clinton and Erica and John are my brother and sister that passed shortly after they were born.  We took them all flowers in pots.  Caylee really enjoyed putting them on the headstones.  It was unreal seeing a fresh grave and knowing MY baby was buried there.  Buddy kept telling me how bad he wished he was home, to go with us. It was hard going, but harder to leave.  I know her body is just buried there and her soul is in heaven, but knowing that the last part of her I had was buried in the ground broke my heart.
Kyndal Grace Munsey.  I love you.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Oh, How He Loves

Today isn't even halfway over, and it's already a sad one.  We had church this morning, which was awesome, but it was sad that it was my first time in sunday school with all the kids, not pregnant and not with my baby.  I kept looking down at my empty stomach.  I imagined in so many practices, my first service with out an inside baby would mean, I finally had my outside baby.  Kyndal was there with me this morning though, I just know it.  My my arms are empty without my baby girl here, but, Oh, how He loves me, how He loves me so... I have to remember how this was all for a reason, and He loves me, even through this.

Next time will be better, it will become normal without her here, but I will always miss her, I will always remember the days she was with me.  Lord, continue to show me how much You love me.

Saturday, October 22, 2011


Buddy left for work.  It shook my world a little bit.  It was hard to go from being with him every second, to him being so far and so busy I only get random texts and a few calls.  I miss him, but I am so thankful he will only be gone until Thurday night.

I also came home to the most amazing gifts.  The girls from BOTB, got together got caylee the cutest little bear (that she is IN LOVE with).  For me, they got something I will forever cherish. 

I bawled like a baby when I opened these boxes.  The inscription says "The Lord called me from the womb, from the body of my mother He named my name, Kyndal Grace-October 12, 2011".  It is too beautiful for words.  I have no idea how to thank these ladies enough. Love you girls. You have all been there for me, and so supportive, you are all awesome.

I've decided that I am going to take at least one new picture of Caylee a day.  About a year ago, I completely stopped taking pictures. I don't know why, it just happened.  Today, that all changes. 


Thursday, October 20, 2011

Etsy Shop Updated

These are just a few of the new items added to our etsy shop for Kyndal's playground.  These are my favorite things.  There are items added, that were meant just for Kyndal.  I can't wait to see some other beautiful babies with them on.  They will not be duplicated and will always be one of a kind.  If you purchase any items from our shop, I would love to see pictures of you or you little ones in them, and I would love to show them off on our blog.  Kyndal is so special to me and I want to always remember how many lives/hearts she has touched.  Visit our Etsy shop just to browse.
I want to thank those of you that have made purchases already! You have no idea what you are doing for our family and church family by donating.

All items that were meant just for Kyndal will say "Straight from Kyndals Closet". 
Thanks again!

Ruthy Munsey

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


Jessica came over Monday night and we had a long talk about everything.  She is like a second sister to me.  Healing is a process, but I feel like talking to her helped.  After she left, Buddy and I talked.  It was  nice to hear what he was feeling too.  I have so many questions, some that will never be answered.  I have to try to push those questions aside.  The funny thing is, I haven't questioned God's plan in this.  I know he has plans for our lives, and he will have his way in this.  I'm praying that I will see every little thing that comes out of Kyndals short life.  She is so special to me, and I don't know what I would do without her. 

Caylee, oh Caylee.  She is a mess. I thought it was going to be so hard to get her back to her good girl self, but it has been, oddly, easy.  I have become a different person through this in more than one way.  I am so different about how I dicipline.  I don't get as aggravated, and I don't raise my voice.  I feel like Michelle Dugger lol.  Buddy thinks I'm crazy but it seems to be working.  When Caylee asks me to do something, instead of being lazy, I get up and go play with her, color, or whatever she wants, and when I'm tired and don't want to go, she is more understanding.  I love her and I don't ever want to take her for granted.  I want to shake these parents that are so mean to their children/ungrateful for them.  I want to tell them to count their blessings.  I know I will have another little blessing one day, but for now I have one here on earth to raise, and one amazing healing angel in heaven that is laughing with all the other babies that were called home, to that place we all want to be some day.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Laid to Rest

Today, we buried my baby girl.  We had to wait for her seal to come in before she was laid to rest.  It was hard to say goodbye again, but she is in a better place.  I have my selfish moments, where I wish she wasn't taken so soon, but I know she is singing and playing in heaven and she will forever be happy.  My life has been forever changed by Kyndal Grace, and I hope she can change other lives as well. 

Buddy and I are doing good, we both have our moments.  He has seriously been so strong for me, and he's been putting up with more than he should have to.  My body has been through a lot,  not only did I have a baby less than a week ago, I have a cold that I can't shake.  I feel like I constantly want to sleep.

On another note.  I have been pumping so I can donate my milk to someone in need.  I contacted and I have also been posting on "Eats on Feets: Texas".  I haven't found anyone yet.  If you know of anyone, send them my way.  I'm not sure how long I will pump, but I want to donate what I can.

Kyndals Playground has also had some donations.  I will be working on some more items to add to the store so there will be more options to choose from.  If you have any suggestions, feel free to contact me.  I love making new things.  I hope you are having a wonderful Tuesday. 

Monday, October 17, 2011

Kyndals Playground

When we were trying to decide what to do in memory of Kyndal, we decided that a playground at our church, in her memory would be so special to not only us but to the children of our church.

In lieu of flowers we asked that donations would be made to the plaground fund.  I have no idea how much was collected, I haven't had the courage to ask my wonderful pastor yet. 

I spoke with my mother in law this morning, and she is bound and determined to do whatever it takes to get the playground set up by summer 2012.  It was so refreshing to know that I'm not the only one that wants to see this fulfilled. 

I converted my etsy page to a donation page for Kyndals playground.  I will slowly add things as I go through her stuff.  I made Kyndal tons of headbands, burp cloths and paci clips.  I plan on selling the items I made for her, along with new items in her memory.  If you would like to contribute and get something cute for your little one, visit her shop. :)

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Today it's been four days...

Since I last held my baby.  Five since I was last content and fully happy, no tears in sight, or so I thought.  I don't know that I will ever have that day that I don't shed a tear for my baby who is happy in heaven.  I thought of her today dressed in her sunday best watching over me in church.  Smiling at me, as if she was telling me she was there and she was happy. 

I'm still having a hard time recognizing this hole in my heart.  I am trying to fill it with the Lord.  It's so hard to deal with this.  I feel like the biggest basket case. 

I know my life will never be the same, but I can't face that.  How can your life not ever be the same? Poor Caylee, I know she knows something is different.  She keeps hugging me and telling me "wove ou mommy." she will randomly grab my face or hand and kiss it.  She is so incredible.  I just wish she had her sister to play with like the plan was all along...

Kyndal Grace's Birth

I went in for a routine weekly visit with my midwife on October 11, 2011. I was due on the 15th so I was a little over 39 weeks pregnant. When I got to my midwives house I weighed, got measured, etc. I laid down so we could listen to Kyndals heartbeat, she put the monitor on me and we listened... nothing. I got on my hands and knees, and we still couldn't find anything. I hadn't felt her move all day, and the more I thought about it, I hadn't felt much movement the day before. My midwife got me into her car and rushed me to the hospital. When we got there we were taken up to a L&D room and I was told to get in the bed. They put a monitor on the baby and we still couldn't find it. So they called in a tech. She turned the screen out of my sight and searched. Everyone could see but me, I was so nervous. She was so cold when I heard those words come out of her mouth "does the doctor need anything signed by me?" I can still hear her over and over. I lost it. I lost my mind. What was I going to do? How was I going to make it? My life felt over. I prayed with Buddy, my pastor and his wife. They walked me to the L&D room at the furthest end of that area so I wouldn't have to hear any babies. They took forever, we found out her heart had stopped beating at 12:15pm and they started the cervidril at about 1pm. I had nothing going on so we were starting from scratch. 4 hours and light contrations later, they checked me, I was at a 2 but still thick. They gave me another cervidril. 4 hours later they checked me again. My cervix was thin enough for them, finally, and I was still at a 2. They started pitocin at 9pm. My contractions weren't too bad.
My family came in from everywhere once they heard the news. They kept me company throughout the night. Every two hours the nurses checked me and I had progressed a cm each time until I hit a 6. By this time it was 5am and I was exhausted, So I tried to sleep. I slept for an hour an a half, even though my contrations were picking up. They checked me again at 7am I was still a 6 but my cervix was fully thinned so they broke my water. I went fast from there, but it was a lot harder to labor through it. My aunt was in there coaching me along with my sister and DH. My sister rubbed my back, and DH held my hand. At about 8 am I started hurting bad. I couldn't breathe through my contractions like I was told to. I was writhing all over the bed and saying "I can't do this", the nurse grabbed my hands and said "look at me, in 2-3, out 2-3-4" over and over through each contraction. That is honestly what got me through. I found my focus in her face and breathed. My aunt took over. They were both awesome. DH was a rock through it all. They checked me again and I was at an 8. I was so frustrated because I felt like I had labored forever with no progress, but I had gone 2 cms in one hour. This continued for another hour, They started getting everything ready. I started feeling the urge to push. I never understood that term, until then. It felt so good to push, like I was almost there. I pushed for a little while, then I felt her head crown. It was still so good to push, her head didn't bother me too bad. I got her head halfway out and my contraction ended, I had to wait. I remember telling the DR. "that hurts". I got her head out and was thinking "oh wow, much better." Then came her shoulders. I was in for a surprise. That was honestly the hardest part. I had no tearing, I truely believe it was becasue I had full control of my body. Kyndal Grace came into this world at 10:12 am on 10/12/2011. Once she was out, it was kind of bittersweet. I didn't know what to think, This is the first and last time I would ever hold my baby girl that I had carried and protected for 9 months, that I felt loving on me, that I had cherished, and waited for and loved every kick and punch from, even if it did hurt. She was to become a part of our everyday lives, she was going to be Caylees little sister, that I could watch them grow up together and fight with each other and love on each other. How was I supposed to be okay with this?
My doctor said "wow" I asked her what was going on. She was hesitant to tell me that Kyndal Grace had managed to wrap her umbilical chord around her neck 3 times. Such an active little girl. I had heard how active she was from the beginning when my MW had chased her around my stomach to find her heartbeat. DH broke down, he is such a rock. Strong, kind, encouraging. He has impressed me throughout this whole process. We have bothe been in disbelief. We waited for my placenta and once the doctor had it she examined it. She found that Kyndal had also tied a knot in her umbilical chord. Wow. It still shocks me. They cleaned my baby girl up they let me change out of my hospital gown and into a decent shirt and the photographer came in. She was amazing. DH couldn't stay and hold her. He was afraid of what it would do to him. I don't blame him, I didn't know if I could do it. They wrapped her up and put her in a beautiful hat that my friend picked up for me, and they handed her to me. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, to hold my baby knowing I would never see her breathe, never hear her cry, nerver see her smile. She was so beautiful. She reminded me so much of her big sister. She was perfect in every way. I looked at her from head to toe and soaked every inch of her in, I etched her into my memory forever. I let my pastor and my amazing uncle come in and pray for me, they held her and told her how much they loved her. I spent a little more time with her, and then let her grand parents in. Her great grandma held her first, she was so upset but she just glowed with my baby girl in her arms. My mom took her next and then my mother in law. They were so sad and they love her so much. When they were done I let all my family and friends come in and say goodbye to her. The photographer stayed in for so long. I held her and held her, I needed my husband. I needed to see him and hug him and I needed my first baby girl. I handed Kyndal to the nurse with a promise I would see her again. I loved on my husband and my Caylee for a little while and then I went to the L&D room across the hall.
My mom had Kyndal in there and loved on her while I was loving on my husband. The funeral director was on his way to get her. I held her until he got there. I couldn't let her go. I kissed her head and told her how much I love her. I told the funeral guy he was going to have to take her because I couldn't give her up. I leaned on the fact that I would see her 2 days later at the viewing. He took her and I had empty arms. I went back to my room and got DH back in there. My sister kept Caylee so we could rest. We laid down and slept for a few hours. They let me go home at 5:30pm. It didn't come fast enough after Kyndal left my arms. It has been a crazy roller coaster since she left. She will always be in our hearts. I'm thankful that she will never have to face the hardships of this world, and that she has brought so much healing to our lives. I love my angel in heaven, and I can't wait to hold her again one day, and see that beautiful smile on her precious little face.