What a year...

I don't even know where to begin. Today is a day I have been dreading with every ounce of me, I am not ready for tomorrow either. 

 

A lot has changed in a year.  I turned 25,  (even though I feel 35) Caylee turned 3, I made it a whole year without my baby, you know, normal things... *sigh* normal for me.  A few days ago, I couldn't stop thinking about what I was doing that same day the year before.  What I could have done to change the outcome of my life, of Kyndal's life.  She could still be here if I would have made a few different choices, gone to the hospital when I noticed slow movement.  What I would give to change that, what I would give to have her back.  Today, I keep remembering everything that happened through out the day.  What it felt like to be in Toni's car on the way to the hospital.  What anguish I felt laying in that hospital bed hoping, praying that she would just kick me, only to learn that she was gone, no heartbeat.  Screaming because I could feel my heart breaking into pieces.  Seeing the pain on my sweet husbands face.  Making the decision to be induced, even though I didn't want to be there one more second.  Laying in that bed, trying to be strong, surrounded by people, trying to cry silently, knowing that my baby was dead, knowing that I was laboring, only to have the only outcome I never expected, an outcome I NEVER wanted. 

 

I don't want to face tomorrow.  I don't want to celebrate my baby's birthday with out her here.  We should be planning a birthday party, instead of cleaning Kyndal's grave. 

 

This year has been the hardest year of my life.  Learning to live again, learning to love the new way that I do, trying to find myself again.  I haven't been good at anything.  I don't know who I am, I'm learning, RE-learning so many things. 

 

Today, I kept myself busy, and when it was almost over, I walked outside after a storm, to this...

 

 

Thank you baby, for reminding me that there is always a rainbow after a terrible storm.  I couldn't help but think that even though you won't ever be here with me again, that you are just like that second rainbow in this picture, even though it's hard to see sometimes, you are there, watching over us, surrounding our lives.  I know my rainbow is coming, but nothing will ever take your place in my heart. A piece of me will always be with you.

 

 

What a year this has been. 

Who am I?

This is a question I've been asking myself for a while now.  Who am I?  I have no idea who this person who stares back at me in a mirror is.  I know a few things about myself, a few things I don't want to change right now.

I know that I am that mother that lets her almost 3 year old decide when it's bedtime.  We use to have a very strict rule, bedtime was set, that was it, no questions asked.  Now, I cling to the moments I get to hear her talk to me, I get to hear her tell me she's "Princess Ariel" as she dresses up in pretty little dresses.

I'm also that mother that enjoys the bedtime snuggles.  I will cherish them until I'm no longer wanted next to her, or she's "too old for that mom".  I don't care what you think of me,  my almost 3 year old sleeps in my bed.  I love to fall asleep listening to her breathing, scared to death that I won't hear it again tomorrow. 

I'm that person who doesn't know how she will react to someones kind or not so kind words.  I may laugh hysterically or you may drive me to the bathroom in tears.  I guess it just depends on how I woke up that morning. 

I'm that person that would rather sit on my butt an listen to my kid play or talk, than clean up the mess in the other room, or even the one she's making then.  My house isn't clean, and I don't care.

I've turned into that mother that I don't like. Letting my child get away with things that I normally would have never overlooked. 

I have turned into a person I don't recognize.  I have about 10 different personalities.  Spend enough time around me and you might catch a glimpse of them.

Some days, I feel like a terrible person, filled with grief, sadness, anger, bitterness, you name it.  Other days, I feel like a ray of sunshine and I want to be best friends with the world.  Watch out though, these moods can change in an instant.

So no, I don't know who I am.  All I know is that, I am still grieving a child that I lost, I also suffered a miscarriage that set me back a few steps, but I have a beautiful daughter and loving husband to rescue me when I'm sad, to lift my spirits when down.  I should have another little smiling face to add to my pictures, but I don't.  All I have to show for 9 months of sickness and love kicks, are memories and pictures.  Things that I dearly cherish, and will forever, but it will never be the same as having another pair of sweet little arms to wrap around your neck, another set of lips to kiss everyday another life to tell you love.

I will never be the same person I use to be, I think that when you lay a child to rest, a piece of you stays there, with that infant, toddler, teenager or grown adult, forever.  Until I feel something different, this is my philosophy. 

Don't feel sorry for me.  I'm only one of many.  Just know that I am not alone.  There are others around you that I'm sure have lost a child of their own.  Let them talk to you, let them be "themselves" around you, and please, let them talk about their child without feeling uncomfortable.  There is no "your child was/your child could have been/forever gone/etc. etc."  These lives are still here, in our hearts, forever.  Kyndal Grace will forever be a part of my life.  I'm trying to figure myself out, just like many others.  For now, I don't know who I am, and that's okay with me.

Mold me and make me who I will become.

The Hurt & The Healer

I'm alive, even though a part of me has died... take my heart and breathe it back to life...

This song really hit home. 

Wow, It's been a while...

I've been on a crazy roller coaster of emotions lately.  One minute, everything is fine, the next, it's the end of the world.  Of course, Kyndal's 4 month anniversary, my birthday, the day I found out I was pregnant with Kyndal last year, and a new surprise. 


The whole week (12th-18th) was not the most pleasant time.

Kyndal was suppose to be 4 months old on the 12th.  Wow, 4 months.  It feels like yesterday, and an eternity all mixed into one.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about her or miss her, but it's an easier kind of miss. I think I'm finally understanding life without her.  I'm making it the new normal, but I would change it in an instant if I could.

My husband took me out on valentines day, which was very nice, AND, I got some gorgeous flowers.

Beautiful Flowers (and truffles)

My "CHEESE" girl

The 16th, was of course, my 25th birthday.  My mom, sisters family and cousins went out to eat with me.  We had a good time, but of course, I was sad.

The 17th... that day, was very bittersweet...

I'm still in shock.  Today is the first day I haven't taken a test to make sure I'm "still pregnant"

My first ultrasound is scheduled for March 14th and it can't get here soon enough.  I begged my OB to draw my HCG levels and everything is looking good.

The 18th, of 2011, I got this shocking news...

The news that has forever changed me as a person and a mother.  The last pregnancy I will ever enjoy, and like to talk about.  I know this pregnancy will be stressful on me and I'm sure on my husband, but I feel like, without this, part of my healing will not be complete. 

Please bear with me if I don't like to talk about being pregnant.  

I'm trying to push through this.

This has been a crazy, sad, wonderful, beautiful month.  I just hope this year is better than the last.

It gets better...

But then, it gets worse all over again. 

You think you're invincible, nothing can trigger your emotions.  Then you're knocked clear across the room and you don't even know how you got there.  How can you be so happy for people, but so sad for yourself at the same time? 

These emotions are not something you really know until you've gone through this or something similar.  I don't even know if losing a loved one that's NOT a child of your own can compare.  I hope I don't have to find that out. 

 I'm not happy being here, but I don't want to be any lower than this.  When you've hit, what you think is rock bottom, there's no place to go but up, right?

There are times, I wish I knew the future.  Maybe that would make things easier.  But, who knows, it might make it worse. 

Where do you go in your life, when you feel like there's nothing to look forward to?  I guess only time will tell.  All I know is, a piece of me is missing.  I'm struggling to fine that piece...how do you find it when it's know where to be found?  Do I just let it sit there? That hole in me? Time will heal it I guess.  Can I have a fast-forward button please?  I'm tired of sitting here.  Who knows, maybe I'm marinating for something greater.  So many possible things could be happening with me.... all I know is that a big part of me is gone, and I will only see it again the day I'm called home to be with her.

Thank you Ryan Gosling

I was on Joy's Hope last night, (she is absolutely amazing.  Her story is a lot like mine, go check her out) when I saw some of these.

Oh Ryan, you know me all too well.

I can't stop giggling.  One will be used as a screen saver.

Clicky

Things NOT to say...

In My Support group, we were talking a little about what some people say.  I looked up some articles, this is one I found, tweaked a little by yours truly.

Things Not To Say when someone has a loss:

Don’t start any sentence with “At least. . . .”
• “At least you didn’t have time to really love her.”
(I do love my baby, she was a part of me, I knew her habits, her taps...)
• “At least she’s in heaven now.”
(She is, but that doesn't mean I don't have a selfish bone in me that wishes she was still with me, at least is just a awful word to use)
• "At least you have other children."
(Yes I do.  But my child does NOT replace the one that's not here)
• "At least that's one less mouth you'll have to feed."
(I would feed 10 other mouths, if that meant I could have my one mouth back...)
• "At least it didn't have to go through the pain of birth."
(I'm sorry, I did, and I would do it again)

Don’t attempt to minimize the other person’s pain.• "It's okay, you can have other children."
(Maybe I can, what if I can't?  Either way those "other children" will NEVER replace the one that's gone)

Don’t try to explain what God is doing behind the scenes.
• “I guess God knew you weren’t ready to be parents yet.”
(WHAT!? Say this if you want a nice throat punch)
• "Now you'll find out who your friends are."
(Who cares? I would rather not know who my friends are and have my baby)
• "This baby must have just not been meant to be."
(Really?)
• "There must have been something wrong with the baby."
(*sigh* I would have loved her regardless)
Don’t blame the other person:
• “If you had more faith, your daughter would be healed.”
(I have faith.  She wasn't healed.  That's not ALL it takes.)
• “You are not praying hard enough.”
(Ugh...)
• "Maybe God is punishing you. Have you done something sinful?"
(I'm about to...)
• "Oh, you're not going to let this get you down, are you?"
(Probably a little bit. Get over it)
• "Couldn't you have done something about it?"
(Really? Why don't you HELP me beat myself up?)

Don’t compare what the other person is going through to ANYTHING else or anyone else’s problem:
• "It's not as bad as that time I. . ."
(you what? Lost your baby? Because that's the only thing that remotely compares)
• "Oh, I know exactly how you feel."
(See above parenthesis)

Don’t use the word “should”:
• "You should be happy/grateful that God is refining you."
(I should be happy that He took my baby? Because that's what you just said.)

Don’t use cliches and platitudes:
• "Look on the bright side."
• “He’s in a better place.”
• “She’s an angel now.”
• “He’s with the Lord.”
(I can say these things, and you can think them, but it's not always comforting to hear them from someone else)
Don’t instruct the person:•
• “Remember that God is in control.”
(I know He is, please don't continue to tell me...)
• “Remember, all things work together for good for those that love God and are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28 is powerful to comfort oneself, but it can feel like being bludgeoned when it comes from anyone else.)

Also:

Grief is a process. No one ever "gets over" the loss of a child.

Don't avoid the parents. Acknowledge the anniversary of the couples' stillborn delivery. It allows people to know they are not alone and that others are grieving too.

Avoid telling them about other miscarriages or stillbirths. They have enough to deal with now.
(unless you are experiencing this, I don't want to know about your friend of a friend of a friend that's going through this.)

Show sensitivity. Acknowledge that other's happy news may be painful for the grieving parents. Don't be angry at them if they can't attend a baby shower, baptism, or other ceremony at this time. They probably already feel guilty and isolated enough. (!!!!!!)

Please do not take offense to this post.  I did this for other loss moms too.  It isn't always seen that we are still hurting, even years down the road.  I hurt for my friends that hurt, and my family that hurts.  I know the pain of this experience, and it is heart wrenching that anyone has felt it.  It will never go away, just become more bearable. 

What a Weekend

Well, I guess we can count Thursday as part of the weekend huh?

Buddy left for work, and his truck decided to bite the dust 4.5 hours into his 8 hour drive. 

A-mazing. 

The fix is going to cosy $2,200, so he is having to stay at work for three weeks instead of just two.  I was on my way to see Jessica when he told me to head his direction.  We called my father in law to see if he would mind giving Caylee and me a ride home.  I felt terrible considering he had just worked 12 hours and had to turn around to meet buddy at the Ford dealership. 

I dropped my car off with Buddy, leaving me stranded until I can find some way to get up there to get it the weekend of the 20th.  Which is also making me miss my little getaway to Amanda's house *big sappy tears* the good news is, I can go stay with her on my way home.  It will definitely make my drive shorter.

Friday: Was the relaxing day, I took mom to work and drove her car to go see Jessica for the day.  The kids played, we talked, the kids fought, we ate, we baked some pretty amazing cookies....

Funfetti Cookies. The instructions are on the side of the cake mix box.  DO IT.

(I pretty much ate about 8 cookies and came home full as a tick.) I couldn't eat another bite for the rest of the night. We talked some more, and then I had to leave to go get mom from work.  On the way there, I stopped by to see my baby and left her something pretty...

Saturday:  Mom and I went to the outlets on 290.  At about 12PM we suddenly got an explosion of texts from my sister.  I take my phone out of my pocket and *BAM* I get queasy...

 (WARNING: Very graphic)

Broken...

Yeah, that's a hole, in my 8 year old nephews leg, all the way to the bone.

They got in a 4wheeling accident.  Poor babies.  We dropped something off to my brother and headed home.

Jacob got a nice little injury too.

The back of his head *shudders*

He's still handsome, even though he got the snot beat out of him.

These boys are tough.  Patrick (my brother in law) said they were calm and quiet the whole hour to the hospital. Yes I said HOUR.

Oh and then I found this...

when I took Caylees panties off to put her to bed.  My little clepto.

Sunday:  I got up early and stayed with Jacob, mom and Johnny at my sisters, while Elise and Patrick were with Joshy.   I brought Johnny home with me until they came home from the hospital. 

Needless to say, this is what Caylee did at 8 PM

Man, she looks like her daddy in this picture...

It's late, and I'm tired.  2012 better kick it into high gear.

I've got high hopes for this year, it better shape up, because it's definitely not being very nice so far.

Dear Kyndal

Dear Kyndal,

      

    December was so hard for me, the worst month yet.  Even though October was a horrible month, I still met you, my wonderful little girl, but I also had to say goodbye.  Now every month seems to get further and further away from you, further away from the first and last time I held you, the first and last kiss I gave you, the first and last time I saw your face. I think the holidays contributed to the horrible month, but either way, I'm so grateful it's finally over.  I've really been struggling with the fact that your not here, It's hard for me to understand.  I know the Lord has a plan for us, I just have a selfish part in me, that wants you home, that wishes you would have never left in the first place.   

    I miss you everyday, but everyday gets a little bit easier.  Life without you is tough, and I wish no mother ever had to feel this pain. 

   Your big sister talks about you a lot, when she sees your picture, she knows exactly who you are and I love it. 

    I know heaven has welcomed you with open arms, and you are having a blast with all your family and your friends, I just can't help but wish you were here with me.  I would give anything to turn back time.

    This is my first letter to you, although I know you will never read it, I feel like it's not enough to show you how much you are loved and missed.   There is so much I want to say, but I don't know how to put it all in one letter, without rambling like a crazy person.  So I will write slowly, making sure to include everything.  I hope these letters to you will help heal me in some form.  No matter what is going on, the pain is still there, I still want you home.  You will never be replaced, and you will ALWAYS be my little girl, always. 

March for Babies

I know I'm a little late to the game.  But I will be walking for March of Dimes In May.  I have set a LOW goal because I have never done this before.  I'm hoping to raise more than this, but I wanted to be logical about what I could afford if no one was able to donate. 

If you would like to help me reach my (incredibly low) goal, you can click my badge to the right.  I'm hoping some people will join me in walking for the babies that leave earth too soon. 

If you are interested in walking with me, please let me know.  I would love to have a team out there for my family, my close friends, and for my internet friends who have said goodbye to their babies too soon.

It's crazy how much your perspective changes when you lose a child. 

May 5, 2012

Wolf Pen Creek Ampatheater

8:00 am

Be there. Support March of Dimes.

Happy New Year

Thank GOD for the new year.  I have been looking forward to the start of a "new year" but I wasn't sure what I was looking for.  I mean, really, it's just another day.  I don't know why, but I really do feel better.  It's like a breath of fresh air.  Maybe it's because we're done with holidays (until my birthday, which then brings a whole other annoyance, but we will get there in time).

Here's to a brand new year.  Hopefully one a lot better than the last.