Monday, November 28, 2011

Black Friday-Cyber Monday

Black friday=WOW.  I always went to town on the fridays after Thanksgiving and thought "I don't understand what the big deal is, it's not that busy." But going the night OF Thanksgiving has given me a WHOLE new perspective.  My sister and I went to Wal-Mart to see what they had.  There was no where to park and it was crazy inside.  I will NEVER do that again, even though I did get Caylee a pretty awesome doll for $10 and some christmas shopping done for some of the other kids. 
Today I found some deals, finished up ALL the shopping for the kids in the family (they're the most important right?)

My monthly friend reared her ugly face this weekend.  I'm very thankful for her appearance, but now I wish she would go away and not show up again for 9 months. Please and thank you. (I really hope no men read my blog, awkward.)

I still haven't seen a day without tears for my sweet Kyndal.  It seems some days are a lot worse than others, and some are a lot better.  Caylee woke up this morning with me and said "look, mom" pointing at Kyndals pictures "Baby siser seepin" I love that she knows thats HER baby sister.  Thank the Lord for my smart girl.

Caylee playing at the mall with Brannon and Braylen

Happy Sunday

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving In Heaven

Today was Kyndal's first Thanksgiving.  It may have been in heaven, but she was here in our hearts.

Buddy came home at 9 AM.  He wasn't supposed to be here until later, but he got to leave work early.
{I'm Thankful for a job that pays the bills} 
We spent the whole day together.
{I'm Thankful for a husband who wants to spend time with me}
 Caylee went to Thanksgiving at the farm with my family.  She had a blast.
{I'm Thankful for my family}
It was nice to just spend time with Bud.  I miss that alone time. We sure did miss the little miss though.
{I'm Thankful for a happy AND healthy 2yr old who means the world to me}
Today was hard, I'm not going to lie.  I heard some good news, that also made me sad. 
{I'm thankful for growth}
I missed my baby girl all day today. I've been fighting away tears since it started, picturing her here with us.  I need to try to focus on her happiness where she is.
{I'm Thankful that I got to spend 9 precious months with Kyndal before she went to be a perfect part of heaven}

I decided to adopt an angel this year. A 5 month old little girl.  I hope to do this every year, I was going to buy Kyndal presents, so why not help a little girl out that is in need?
{I'm Thankful that I am able to do this, even if it's not much}

I'm excited.  I get to buy her things I would have got for Kyndal.  Maybe this will help me AND her.
{I'm Thankful for the LORD, and His healing hands}

Monday, November 21, 2011


Today was good, and then everything just hit me like a ton of bricks.
A Internet friend posted about her sister, she is pregnant with twins (16 weeks) one has passed away and the other will most likely not make it unless a miracle happens.  I am bawling for this family, she has lost a baby of her own.  I wish I could do something to help them.  
This on top of other things, has me tore up tonight.  I miss my baby. Please say a prayer for them, for strength, a miracle, something. 

 "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted."
Matthew 5:4

Happy Sunday

I stole this idea from an awesome blogger, Julie.  Her story is very similar to mine.
Visit her blog Joy's Hope to see her story.   

Saturday, November 19, 2011

The Rest of This Week

This week has been very up and down (which is to be expected).  Grandma, Caylee and I went to Sams and picked up ingredients to make her homemade rolls.  
When we started making, I followed her around and made her measure every.little.ingredient. 
 I mean, doesn't this batter look delish?
I got the recipe jotted down and we went to separating (after it rose of course)
Yes, her hands are clean.  We made 24 rolls then grandma made 24...
Dun, Dun, Dun...
Pure delishishness.
Everything turned out amazing.

I made the rolls for Thanksgiving at my in-laws tonight, and I think they turned out pretty good.  We had fun today.  It doesn't always cancel out the bad in the days, but it helps. 

I will always miss my baby.  Not a day goes by that I'm not constantly thinking about her.  I want to talk about her all the time, but I know it isn't always fun for other people to hear about her.  It will always make people uncomfortable, that's just something I have to get use to. 

"All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose."
Romans 8:28

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Tinfoil Chicken

A-mazing recipe.  Fast and simple!


4 Chicken Breast
1 box Stove Top Stuffing
Seasoning of your choice

Chicken stuffing, and Salt Lick seasoning.

I pre-cooked the stuffing, although it was really moist when I pulled it out, so you don't HAVE to pre-cook it.

Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees

Cut 4 pieces of tinfoil
Spread the stuffing evenly between the four pieces
Set chicken on top of stuffing
Add broccoli and Cauliflower on top of chicken
Add cheese
Put a little ranch on top
Cup tinfoil
Add a little water
Put in baking dish

If you use thick chicken breasts like I did, cook for 1hr 15mins
If you flatten your chicken cook for 50 mins

Easy peasy

When Buddy gets home I plan to make this with Bacon instead of veggies.  I will let you all know how that turns out. I'm sure he will love it.  He HATES veggies.

Thank you AshleyAnthony2B from BOTB for this recipe.

Death Certificate

It's not a good day when you wake up to a call from a funeral home, asking you to come pick up your baby's death certificate. 

My phone rang, waking me up, I didn't answer because I didn't recognize the number.  Checked the voicemail and my day went downhill.  So I got up, did my work out and asked Kate to watch Caylee for me. 

I went by H.E.B. sobbing the whole way.  Picked up some flowers, and went to see my baby where her body will always be.  It was raining like crazy.  I haven't been by there in two weeks. TWO WEEKS. I feel like a horrible mother.  I gave her flowers and stood in the rain, watching her flowers get soaked and her fresh grave get wet.  I felt like the Lord was weeping with me, letting me know He feels my pain. 

When I left there I went to Brazos Valley Monument to look at some headstones.  I figured I was already in a sour mood, why not try to look for a headstone then.  I have an idea of what I like, I just need to run it by Buddy.  Whatever we get will have a laser print of her beautiful face. 

I left there and picked up her Death Certificate.  I guess that makes everything even MORE real.  It's never settling to see this

I miss my baby, and even though my heart is broken I know I will be with her again one day.

Thank you Kristen for this scripture.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
Psalms 34:18

Saturday, November 12, 2011

One Month

Happy one month in heaven my beautiful Kyndal Grace.

One month ago today we said hello, and then goodbye to our angel baby.  Today has actually been a good day.  I went on a shopping trip with the church girls, (window shopping) it was nice to keep my mind occupied on a day like today. 

Kristen and I were talking an the way home, and I was telling her about praying for Kyndal, and all the babies in our church.  I always prayed for the Lord to have His way in their lives and to use them for HIS glory.  I truly believe He answered my prayers for Kyndal.  As bad as I want her here with me, I think she had a greater purpose, she fulfilled it and is waiting on the seeds that were planted to grow with the help of the people who's lives she impacted.

When my heart is breaking, You're still worthy.
It is well with my soul, YOU are in control.

Through sorrow and pain, victory or blessing, persecution, prosperity, I'll be praising you
I didn't make this video so please ignore the intro stuff.

"I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him."
1 Samuel 1:27

Glory Baby

I'm with my best friend right now making roman shades for her living room (they look awesome btw) and I wanted to listen to all the lyrics to "Glory Baby" by Watermark. I started crying after I typed it into YouTube, seeing all the children who have passed away. I wanted to read about Nathan and Christy Nockels of Waternark. I heard years ago that she had lost a baby, and I wanted to know her story.  I ran across this article.

"When Christy Nockels faced the pain of multiple miscarriages, it gave birth to a deeper trust in God.
Modern worship leader Christy Nockels knows what it feels like to lose something precious, and she knows what it's like to have God show up in the midst of that loss. After three-and-a-half years of marriage, Christy and her husband, Nathan, who lead worship and perform as Watermark, discovered they were expecting their first child. It was 1999, and the young couple was over-the-top excited.
'It was a really neat surprise for us,' Christy says. 'I remember that year we were at the Passion conference in Ft. Worth, Texas. My parents had come to the conference to volunteer, so I made up a gift basket for my mom with some obvious 'Grandma' stuff in it, and that's how I told them."
Just a few days later, Christy lost that baby. She was 24 years old, and the miscarriage was scary and painful. The doctor seemed insensitive, Nathan wasn't able to be there at first, her body hurt, and her heart hurt even more.
"When I told my mom, she just cried with me," Christy says. "I think that is the most helpful thing sometimes, just to hurt with someone."
Later that same year, Christy got pregnant again and lost a second baby.
"When I went in to have an ultrasound that day, I remember sitting in the head nurse's office," she shares. "I knew in my heart that something wasn't right, but I was at peace for some reason. I looked over on the wall and saw this tiny canvas painted pink, with a little dried rose stuck on it. It said, 'Be still and know that I am God.' God can speak to our hearts through anything, and that was a huge source of comfort for me."
Friends and family rallied around the couple, and through the losses, God put a song on Christy's heart. She wrote "Glory Baby," and it was recorded on Watermark's All Things New album. The song touched women around the world and became a source of healing for many who have lost children. Christy and Nathan's losses opened doors of ministry, and the suffering actually drew Christy into deeper relationship with God and with Nathan.
"As Nathan and I began our healing process, this song began to pour out of us, and it was one of the most precious times in our marriage," Christy says. "This loss was when Nathan and I really became more 'emotionally married.' We became a better team. We cried together, we held each other more, and we realized the things that mattered most in life.
Christy says the miscarriages were also a wake-up call for her in the area of control. She realized that she needed to relinquish her plan for motherhood to God's timing. She did, and during the couple's first week of recording All Things New, Christy found out she was pregnant for the third time.
"I was by myself when I found out, which was really actually special for me. I ended up having a really neat prayer time with the Lord. I remember crying my eyes out and telling the Lord that if he chose to take this baby, too, that I would be okay with that because I had already been able to see that it was used for his glory."
Today, son Noah is five years old, and Christy recently made the difficult decision to put recording and performing as Watermark aside to spend more time with Noah and his three-year-old sister, Ellie, and to minister and mentor young women through tough times in their lives.
"Our losses give us a clear picture of how God uses sorrow," Christy says. "He allows things to crush us sometimes; he gives and he takes away. It is through those times that we see a side of his love and compassion that we might not have ever seen before."

I want this to be the story of my loss. I want Kyndal's passing to bring comfort to someone else.
I called the hospital, to see if I could be contacted if any mother or family that was going through the same situation needed someone to lean on. The nurse sounded so excited, and told me she would talk to the charge nurse and get back to me. Pray that she calls me back, and has good news for me. I want to be able to let someone else know, they're going to make it through, it's hard and I'm still working on it, but it is possible, no matter how hopeless you feel.

Kyndal, Clinton, John, Erica and all the other babies in heaven are being held tight. They know we love them and they are waiting on us to join them and hold them again one day.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Dr. Suess

My Many Colored Days

Some days are yellow.
Some are blue.
On different days I'm different too.
You'd be surprised how many ways
I change on Different Colored Days.
On Bright Red Days how good it feels
to be a horse and kick my heels!
On other days I'm other things.
On Bright Blue Days I flap my wings.
Some days, of course, feel sort of Brown.
Then I feel slow and low, low down.
Then comes a Yellow Day and Wheeee
I am a busy, buzzy bee.
Gray Day....Everything is gray. I watch. But nothing moves today.
Then all of a sudden I'm a circus seal! On my Orange Days that's how I feel.
Green Days. Deep deep in the sea. Cool and quite fish. That's me.
On Purple Days I'm sad. I groan. I drag my tail. I walk alone.
But when my days are Happy Pink it's great to jump and just not think.
Then come my Black Days. MAD. And loud. I howl. I growl at every cloud.
Then comes a Mixed-Up Day. And WHAM! I don't know who or what I am!
But it all turns out all right, you see. And I go back to

My good friend Kristen gave me a copy of this book on a piece of paper, I read it and I thought "man, this is so true."  Everyday is different right now, mixed up emotions.  Today has been a mixed-up day.  One minute I'm one thing and the next I'm another.  I definitely feel purple mostly. 
Caylee and I were on the way to church and I just started sobbing, Caylee yelled at me "Mommy! Turn around!"
I told her I couldn't of course, and she says "Awe, Mommy cryin'"
I said "Mommy's okay baby, she just misses baby Kyndal"
Caylee then says "Mommy, baby Kyndal with Jesus."
I'm so glad she understands and she can be a comfort to me in this situation. It may be bad that I am leaning on her for comfort at times, but she is a big huge part of my sanity.  Love on your babies.  I know I'm loving on mine, there is just one I'm having to love from a distance. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


I made this sticky bun breakfast ring for breakfast.  I followed the recipe like she says to do it, not like the pictures look.  I only used ONE can of biscuits, she says she used two in the pictures but that she would just do one from now on.  So this is what they're suppose to look like. ;) They were good, quick and easy.  I will definitely keep this recipe on hand. 
Before baking
After baking
After flipping

I am going to a M.E.N.D. meeting tonight.  I'm excited about it.  I'm not sure how it will go, but I am hoping to meet some people who can relate to me, in this area of my life.

And now for a random picture of Caylee, are you ready?

Don't mind my hair, I just got out of the bath and I was heading to bed -Caylee

Don't judge me for putting up this picture, she's not even using the potty (as you can tell by the closed lid). Who knows who she was trying to act like here.

Happy Tuesday.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

A Pair of Shoes

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Thank you Emily, for sharing this.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

This Can't be MY Life...

Can it?
This book isn't really sitting on MY table waiting for ME to read it, is it?

(Books like this should never say "National Best Seller" at the top.)
I keep asking God to wake me up from this horrible nightmare, but the days just keep passing.  It's just so hard to believe that I am the mother of an angel baby.  I keep telling Caylee she's my angel on earth and Kyndal us my angel in heaven.
The days seem to be getting better.  I had a great day yesterday, everytime Kyndal came to my mind all I could do was smile.  I know she's in a better place, it's just hard to imagine why she's there instead of here. 

I let Caylee paint a picture to go in our room, Here's a preview of her fun.
When I get some other pretties hung up next to the picture, I will post the fisished product.  She had a blast, She eventually had paint all over her legs lol.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose"
Romans 8:28

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Please Go Make This

So yummy, and good for you!  (If you don't devour the whole recipe, like I did).

My life, One minute you're up, one minute you're down.  I may try to go to a M.E.N.D. (Mothers Enduring Neonatal Death) meeting this coming Tuesday night.  Buddy thinks I'm crazy, but it's not counseling, it's a support group.  I really want to meet other moms who have gone through this.  Maybe we can help each other.  I might be crazy... who knows. LOL.

I started reading "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" I have to take it a little at a time.  There was a part I got to that really struck a chord with me.  It talked about after your baby is born you look forward to all the milestones you would hit, things you would do with them, you focus on the future.  With the baby you loose, you will never get to experience those times in their lives or your lives.  That is something I have to remember, stop focusing on what will never be, and remember where she is.  She is waiting for us in heaven, getting loved on by angels and the Lord. Now I have to focus on MY future.  What I am going to do with this, I have to focus on Caylee, my husband, future children.  Kyndal will always be my baby and a huge part of our lives, even though she only stayed a short time.  I have memories with her, though they are few they're still memories I will forever cherish.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
Jeremiah 29:11 

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Dinner Review and a Big THANK YOU!

This was dinner tonight.
It is from THIS recipe I found on Pinterest thanks to Jessica King! ;)

I really liked it.  It should definetly be a must try in any house hold.  It's easy to make and you can just let it sit.  I will say, it is very messy, kind of like sloppy joe's.  We ate it on Loaf bread from H.E.B.  If you think of any other ways to eat it, please let me know.
Now go turn your crock pot on, you know you want to!

A great big THANK YOU to BOTB!
You are all awesome! I seriously would not have made the above meal if I would have known this was coming in today! I can't wait to try it out.

I mean, look at all this food.  I was so excited when I saw it on the front porch.  Ladies, I love you all and I appreciate everything, listening to me gripe, whine, and post the dumbest things you have ever seen.