Thursday, October 10, 2013

Another year has passed...

My poor neglected blog.

Most of you know what is going on with us, so I will skip to why I came here today.

I remember sitting on the couch TWO years ago, watching Dexter with my husband, but honestly, watching the time more than the show.  I was wondering why my baby wasn't moving as much as she normally did, she was always such a squirmy baby. I swear I looked at the clock at least every 5 minutes, rubbing my large belly. 

45 minutes passed, nothing. 55 minutes and there it was, slight movement. I was semi-relieved, but still not convinced. I shook it off, and we went to bed.  The next morning, I just chalked it up to her getting too big, and went about my day.  At some point, I sat down on the couch to take a breather and felt three little thuds.  I smiled and rubbed.

The rest of the day, I ignored the stillness. I enjoyed my Caylee and thought about how any day, there would be a tiny baby to snuggle and watch my little baby lover, Caylee interact with.

My last day of a peaceful tragedy-less life.

When I woke up the next morning, I got in my car, alone, and drove to the Midwives house. It was her day at home, but she said she would see me there.  I called my closest friend, and we chatted. While talking I casually mentioned, realizing myself, that I hadn't felt any movement.  I pulled into the driveway, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.

I went in, we talked, I weighed, and laid down on a bed. She measured my round 38 week belly and got the Doppler out.  As I laid there, still, she searched and searched for her heartbeat. Convinced the Doppler had to be faulty, she looked for batteries and/or another Doppler. I was on my hands and knees trying to get some kind of movement, and trying not to freak out.  When she came back, we tried again. 

That was the day my life changed. 10/11/11.  I will never forget laying in the hospital, while getting an ultrasound and being told "there is no heartbeat."  I'm sure my screamed terrified some poor mother delivering her baby that day, but I was in another place.

I've come a long way since then.  Finding myself, and learning to stand up for myself.  I'm no where near perfect, but I like who I am.  I have a long way to go, and someday I will get there, but for now, my focus is my family.  The ones here and the ones gone.  We will celebrate and mourn for a few days, but one day it won't be so hard.

My little sunshine and rainbow will help me celebrate.  It's Lane's first time to celebrate his sister he will never know. So bitter sweet.

I will forever cherish these terrible pictures, because they were some of the last before my world was shaken. That was me then.
This is us now. Minus one.
Well, I believe she's there, you just can't see her. ;)
One day. One sweet, sweet day.
I love you baby girl.

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